


Friends can break your heart too

by zoyalinayay



Category: darkolai - Fandom, sturmling - Fandom, zoyalina - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:21:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 17
Words: 31,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28865439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoyalinayay/pseuds/zoyalinayay
Summary: Nikolai Lantsov lives between his façade as a prestigious University student and his shady side businesses. In an intense series of events, he is reunited with his old childhood best friend Aleksander and is faced with heartbreaks from the past and old wounds.
Relationships: Darklina, darkolai - Relationship, zoyalina - Relationship
Comments: 15
Kudos: 40





	1. Part I - First meeting

Aleksander should have been able to remember when he met Nikolai. But he couldn’t. For all he knew, Nikolai had sat next to him once and now they were bound for life. That’s the way it was with Nikolai, he just did what he wanted to do and everyone else had to deal with it. And everyone complained about the boy, including Aleksander, his biggest victim always dragged into his trouble.

If you asked Nikolai however, he would tell you all about the first time he spoke to Aleksander Morozov. Apparently, Aleksander was doing his homework when Niko decided to approach him. It came to Nikolai’s attention that Morozov was always alone. People seem to think he was strange and quite aggressive if you tried to approach him. It didn’t stopped Nikolai from trying. It was always more interesting when you were doing something that put you in danger of getting a rock to your head.

“You look prettier without glasses.” Nikolai had told him, after he removed Aleksander’s glasses to try them out.

Aleksander froze at first. Then he glared at Nikolai, but the boy was so used at having people looking at him in funny ways he just ended up smiling.

“That’s funny, because you look prettier when I’m not wearing glasses too.”

Nikolai had chuckled until he saw Aleksander’s angry expression evolving. It was very obvious that the pale boy didn’t wanted to be near him. That bothered Nikolai to the core. He enjoyed being enjoyed as a company. Even as a kid. He didn’t cared if Aleksander liked to be a loner. He was going to enjoy being Nikolai’s friends and that was that.

“Why are you always alone?”

“Why can’t you mind your own business?”

“That’s not nice.”

“Maybe I’m not nice.”

“Why not?”

Nikolai thought Aleksander would throw the book under his hands to his head. That wouldn’t stop the questions though.

“Why are you so annoying?” Aleksander raised his voice.

“Why are you so rude?”

“Because you’re annoying.”

Nikolai closed his mouth and took Aleksander’s glasses off his face, placing them back on Aleksander, carefully. So carefully that Aleksander flinched. Nikolai pushed the glasses up his nose and stared at him.

“I’ll be quiet then.”

Aleksander realized his mouth was wide opened, so he rushed to close it and look down on his papers.

“I doubt you can be quiet.”

“I believe you can be nice. So, if I’m quiet, will you be less of a jerk?”

“Why do you care?”

“Who’s being annoying with the questions now?”

Aleksander closed his mouth for a moment. “You’re a jerk yourself.”

“Good. We can be jerks together.”

“I’m fine by myself.”

“No one can be fine by themselves all the time.”

“Maybe you’re just an attention seeker.”

“Ooooh” Nikolai leaned on the table. “That sounds like you have something against me.”

“Not exactly. I’m just not a fan.”

“Why the hell not? I’m pretty great.”

“Really? Name one thing you’re great at.” Aleksander dropped his pen on the table and crossed his arms.

“I kick ass at playing piano.”

Aleksander could’ve chuckled. This boy was ridiculous.

“Well, you’re not great at putting words together, are you?”

“You don’t need to put words together when you’re as cute as me.”

“Or rich, I guess.” Aleksander mumbled.

“Ah! So that’s your issue with me. My money.”

“I don’t have any issue with you. I just don’t like you. Why can’t you accept that and go away?”

Nikolai leaned back, almost offended.

“Because I never did anything for you to dislike me.”

“If it makes you feel better, I think I found a reason to dislike you.”

“Is it my questions?”

Aleksander stared at those hazel shiny perfect eyes and took a deep breath.

“Not exactly. It’s the fact that you are an annoying, egocentric, self-centered idiot that can’t get a hint.”

Aleksander didn’t enjoy speaking like that to people but there was something about Nikolai that pushed him to the edge. He was always loud in class, could never sit still and let other people learn. Nikolai Lantsov had always a joke to say, a comment to make. The world was his stage and everyone else was the audience. It made Aleksander angry just to be near him. How could one person not get tired of being the center of the world?

But Nikolai wasn’t the type of person to get offended or irritated. He just smiled to Aleksander.

“You get prettier when you are angry too.”

“Lord,” Aleksander rolled his eyes.

“Tell me about yourself then.”

The boy blinked. “What?”

“I’m not self-centered. That I know. So, tell me about yourself.”

Maybe Aleksander had made his own efforts to forget that first interaction. But Nikolai couldn’t help himself to think that he would remember that look of surprise in Aleksander’s face for the rest of his life.


	2. Part I - Closer

“I don’t like that boy always hanging around here with you.”

Nikolai almost told his mother that he didn’t care. He knew it was a cruel thing to say to a concerned mother. But the truth is that Nikolai truly didn’t cared about whatever his mother had to say about his friends or his interests. She was a gorgeous woman, with an elegant posture and always a formal smile. Almost as well trained as her puppies.

“We could play at his house.”

“Out of question. I don’t like his mother.”

“Then can he come here still?”

“You didn’t hear what I just said did you?”

“I did. That’s why I’m asking, mother.”

She crossed her arms. “Just go. I don’t want him by himself in your room.”

“Good night.” Nikolai kissed her cheek before running out of her room.

Aleksander was in his bedroom, sitting on the floor, looking around. He looked miserable, but then again, he always looked that way. It was almost funny if it wasn’t so frustrating.

“Are you ready to sleep?”

“Sure. _Sleep_.” Aleksander got up. “In which you ask stupid question until the sun is up.”

“They’re not stupid.” Nikolai pushed the boy and got into the bed.

“Yes, they are. Everything you say it’s stupid.” Aleksander sat down on the bed, taking off his glasses.

“Say that again, I will kick you out of my bed.”

“You can’t kick me out of this bed even you tried. It’s too big. Why do you have a couple’s bed anyway?”

“Because I can.”

“It’s stupid.” Aleksander mumbled laying down, with his back to Nikolai.

“I heard that. And don’t pretend you’re going to sleep.”

“What do you want?”

“To talk.” Nikolai shrugged.

“It’s late.”

“So?”

Aleksander sighed and laid on his back. “I don’t understand how you always have energy to talk.”

“My brain doesn’t stop working.” Nikolai said excited for the attention.

“Debatable.”

He saw Aleksander close his eyes and chuckled.

“You are not sleeping.”

“I have to stop coming over. You never let me sleep.”

“What would be the point of being together and sleep? If I wanted to sleep I’d be alone. Abandoned.”

“You’re not abandoned. Your mother and brother are home.”

“My mom has a sleeping schedule. She has to be healthy, so her skin doesn’t crack.” Nikolai rolled his eyes before he saw a small smile in the corner of Aleksander’s mouth. “And Vasily doesn’t like to be around me.”

“I wonder why.”

The silence made Aleksander open his eyes. No response wasn’t a good sign when it was Nikolai on the other side. He looked at the blond boy. He was smiling, looking down. He was hurt.

Aleksander elbowed him. “I didn’t mean that.”

“I know you did. But I get it. I think. I’m too… myself.”

“Well, yes. But I never met anyone like you.”

“Of course not. I’m amazing.” Nikolai laid his head on the pillow. “But I know people will hate me for it.”

Aleksander sighed but deep down he agreed. Hell, even he had hated Nikolai for his loud personality until a short while a go. But the weeks together had changed it. Nikolai was more than a class clown. He was actually pretty clever. Especially when he wanted to cause trouble, which was more common that anyone could assume. He also had interesting things about him that Aleksander could never imagine if he hadn’t let Nikolai pull him into his life. Like the fact that Nikolai loved stargazing. Or that he was very much into boats and cars, or anything with a motor that he could tear apart and try to fix.

Sometimes Aleksander felt like Nikolai saw the whole world just as things he could tear apart and fix. And that maybe Aleksander was just another one of those things. But he pushed the idea away before Nikolai could see something wrong.

“Does it really matter what people think of you?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Well, look at it this way. If I didn’t care about what people think of me, I wouldn’t have tried to be your friend.”

“And that would be bad?”

“Well, I would be alone right now, wouldn’t I? I suppose I wouldn’t have to look at your ugly face in the morning.”

“I thought you said I was pretty.” Aleksander snapped which brough a dumbfound expression to Nikolai’s face. “Not that it matters, I just think it’s funny that you call me ugly when you look like that.”

“First of all, don’t even try. I’m a dream boy. Second, I was just messing. You are beautiful, Sasha. But you know that. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be so arrogant.”

“How did I let you be my friend.” Aleksander sighed, trying to forget that his face was becoming warmer. He felt Nikolai staring and when the silence felt uncomfortable, he looked. “What?”

“You’re red.”

“What?”

Nikolai opened a bigger smile. “You are blushing.”

“I’m not… blushing. It’s just warm.” Aleksander touched his face. “It’s warm in here, I’m warm.”

“Don’t be dumb,” Nikolai reached for his cold hand. “you’re never warm. See? Sometimes I think you’re a lizard of how cold you are.”

“Funny.” Aleksander pulled his hand away. “Stop staring.”

“I won’t. Do you know how amazing this is? I made Sasha Morozov blush. There’s a certain glory that comes with that. I feel proud.”

“You are not letting this go, are you?”

Nikolai smirked. “Not a chance. This was a personal conquest.”

He was right. Aleksander was blushing. He wouldn’t give that victory to Nikolai, of course. As usual, Nikolai didn’t shut up until it was almost morning. But Aleksander didn’t complain. Not even when his eyes started to shut of how tired he was, and Nikolai shook him up. He felt sorry for Nikolai. He was a fun person, a good person and yet for all the laughs he got in class and all the praises he got from adults, he was truly ignored.

And for all his “annoying” traits, Nikolai was good company. Aleksander got too used to be around him. That’s why even though he wanted to get some sleep, he still let Nikolai invite him to sleepovers. It was better than to be alone. Better than to be with mother giving him lessons or scolding him for wanting to watch TV or play video games.

His mother didn’t like Nikolai when Aleksander first spoke about him to her. But she came around. No matter the side eyes she gave to Niko, whenever he was at their house or when he asked if Aleksander could go to his house, she didn’t think much about it. She just nodded and waved her hand to dismiss them. Maybe, deep down, she was satisfied Aleksander had at least a friend watching over him.

“Are you sleeping?”

Aleksander opened his mouth. He shouldn’t have done that. But at the same time, if he pretended to be asleep Nikolai would know. He always did.

“Almost,”

“Okay. I’ll let you sleep. But tomorrow we’re going out.”

He almost didn’t answer. “Where?”

Nikolai smiled. It was funny when Aleksander was more asleep than awake. Moodiness aside, Aleksander was quite gentle in how he treated him.

“Just sleep.”

***

Lunch (or dinner) at the Lantsov’s was always the most anxious part of Aleksander’s stay at their house. There was something that would make him uneasy about Nikolai’s family. The way his mother barely picked at the food and always had something negative to say about the food made Aleksander think she was just looking for an excuse to get angry at their maids. And by the way Nikolai’s father looked at the maids, Aleksander also suspected it could be related.

Aleksander’s mother was moody most of the time too. But she was very different from Mrs. Lantsov. Aleksander’s mother run her own business. She started it from scrap and made sure Aleksander and his sister always had food on the table. She had reasons to be moody, she worked all the time, she had no breaks. Work followed her home, to the street, to the coffee shop she took her breakfast in. Mrs. Lantsov was just a spoiled mean woman. But Aleksander never talked to Nikolai about his thoughts.

And then there was Vasily. There wasn’t much to say about that arrogant prick. But he still got on Aleksander’s nerves.

So, when Nikolai told him they were going on a walk after lunch, Aleksander couldn’t hide how pleased and relieved he was for leaving that house. Even if Nikolai had taken them to a deserted park. When Aleksander wasn’t watching, Nikolai escaped, as he always did because apparently Aleksander was “too slow” to keep up with his rhythm. It was just an excuse for him to have Aleksander chase him, if Aleksander ever decided to move faster, which he never did. It was fun to get on Nikolai’s nerves, though he never let himself get angry.

Aleksander found him climbing some bars. When he was close enough Nikolai hung upside-down the monkey bars.

“I know it’s hard for you to keep yourself quiet, but… What are you doing?”

Nikolai reached for Aleksander. “Sasha, come here!”

“What do you want?”

“Did you ever saw Spider Man?”

Now this just felt dumb. “Yes.”

“Let’s do the kiss, the upside-down kiss.”

“I really feel like you don’t hear yourself sometimes.”

“Come on!”

“I will throw up if you even try.”

“Don’t be dramatic. And do you mind? I’m getting light-headed here.”

Aleksander almost stepped forward, but fear struck his stomach. Nikolai was just joking. Certainly.

“If you’re dizzy just come down then.”

“Kiss first.” Nikolai stuck his lips out with his eyes closed. “Come on. Kiss.”

“Kiss the air, you idiot.”

“SASHA, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!”

But his back was already turned to Nikolai, which unfortunately made him not be able to watch Nikolai fall off the bars. Aleksander looked back and saw him on the ground, and he wasn’t even able to ask if Nikolai was alright before he started laughing, holding his own belly.

Nikolai cocked his head to the side and smiled. He had seen Aleksander chuckle sometimes. Hell, Nikolai had made his life mission to make Aleksander Morozov to crack up to his jokes, but he didn’t have success most days. Mostly because Sasha had made his life mission to not laugh. Sometimes he would smile at Nikolai, but he would fight with every muscle on his face to not laugh and let Nikolai win. But here he was, cackling at Nikolai’s fall. Maybe Nikolai should hurt himself more often.

“I’m glad you are amused.”

“You brought this on yourself.” Aleksander offered his hand.

Nikolai smirked and took it, pulling Aleksander down instead. Of course that he fell next to Nikolai which made him punch Nikolai in the stomach as a punishment.

“What was that for?”

“For not doing the kiss with me, what do you mean?”

Aleksander blinked watching the shameless look in Nikolai’s face and admiring it. “I truly wonder if you have anything inside your skull, because it doesn’t sound like there is a brain there.”

Nikolai looked at the sky. “That’s not true. Because when I was 6 I broke my head and I did exams and there was a brain there. So, check your facts, Morozov.”

“All right. You’re an idiot.”

“Wait, what?”

“It’s a fact.”

“You’re the idiot. I could’ve been your first kiss… No! I could’ve been your Spider Man. And you wasted the opportunity. I will never put that on the table ever again.”

Aleksander turned his neck to look at Nikolai.

“Were you serious?”

“About what?”

“Did you want…?”

“You don’t have to be scared. It was just a kiss.”

“You don’t know if you would’ve been the first.” Aleksander said softly. He was blushing again, and he hated that he could feel the heat in his cheeks.

Nikolai snorted. “Yeah, because the loner of the century definitely smooched someone before.”

“Have you?”

“One of my nanny’s. She was tickling me, and she tried to kiss my cheek but accidentely hit my lips. I told my mother, as a joke because that’s all it was. She fired her and I felt really bad about it.”

“That’s terrible.”

“Yes. I hope she’s doing well. She didn’t mean… She was nice.” Nikolai said, his voice lower than usual. “Nice doesn’t last long in my house.”

 _Then it’s a matter of time for you to save yourself_ , Aleksander thought without moving his eyes away from Nikolai’s profile. His eyes still stuck in the sky. Maybe that’s where his head was too, it would certainly explain a lot.

Suddenly, Nikolai snapped his gaze at Aleksander. “You’re smiling.”

“Am I?”

“I know I’m beautiful, but you don’t have to smile like that just by looking at me.” He winked.


	3. Part I - A bad feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!  
> I just wanted to clarify that in the first two chapters Aleksander and Nikolai were 11.  
> But in this one there is a time jump of 2 years.

The night before Aleksander’s 13th birthday, the boy found himself unable to sleep. Funny how that never happened when he was at Nikolai’s house and he had to hear him go on for hours about his plans of buying a boat and travelling the world in it, going from place to place, getting odd jobs fixing things and surviving of it. At those times, he always felt sleepy. Maybe Nikolai was just boring. The thought made him smile. Nikolai would certainly take offense.

But now he was alone in bed, hearing the ticking clock. Nikolai had asked Aleksander’s mom if they could throw him a birthday party. She asked Aleksander if he wanted one. It didn’t made sense to him to have a party when Nikolai, his sister and his mother would be the only people there.

“ _It doesn’t matter how many people are there. It matters who is there_.” Nikolai had said.

Ulla agreed with him. Which only made Aleksander’s mother less interested in the idea. Anyhing Ulla thought positive, Baghra considered negative.

“ _Maybe we could have a cake_.” Aleksander said. “ _Something sweet_.”

Ulla had smiled. “ _I’ll make you a cake. Nikolai can buy the ingredients_.”

And so Nikolai did. By the smell in the air Ulla had got to cooking. It smelled nice for a change. Usually, their house just smelled like cigarettes. Baghra didn’t wanted Aleksander to be exposed to smoke but both she and Ulla smoked so much he could smell it from his bedroom.

He turned and looked at the picture frame on his bedside table. Nikolai had given him it on his last birthday. It was picture of them on Mr. Lantsov’s boat, on Nikolai’s birthday. Baghra had to leave town and Nikolai begged her to let Aleksander stay with them instead of going with her.

“ _Aren’t you tired of him_?” Baghra asked him. She wasn’t really annoyed but Aleksander wondered if there wasn’t more into that question. “ _Why do you always need Aleksander anyway? Don’t you have more friends_?”

“ _Not really, but neither does he_.”

“ _Maybe if he spent less time with you_.”

All Aleksander could remember was that Nikolai had replied with one of his witty remarks and that Ulla had winked at her little brother. It was always different when Nikolai was at their house. The atmosphere was lighter. Ulla and Baghra didn’t argued in front of Nikolai. Maybe there was some petty comments here and there but no yelling, no broken glasses or thrown chairs. For all the mean questions Baghra did, she had come to like Nikolai.

Ulla on the other hand absolutely loved the kid. Ever since she got stuck at home because of the bracelet on her ankle, she was going mad. She was never someone that liked to stay home all day, doing nothing. If she was, she wouldn’t have to use that damn thing.

When Nikolai and Ulla got together, they were the noisiest set of two people you could ask for. But Aleksander appreciated the noise. It wasn’t good when the house was quiet. And the house was quiet now. He could only hear the clock.

Aleksander rubbed his eyes. He was never anxious for something like his birthday. It was just another day. Yes, he was older, but he got older everyday, didn’t seem to make sense to celebrate it too much. A cake would be fine. Maybe a song by Ulla would be a nice addition. If Baghra was in a good mood Aleksander could call that day a success. And well, if Nikolai was there, which he would be, then… Then it could be a great day.

 _I already thought of your gift_ Nikolai said weeks before. There were a few things Aleksander had told him about that might have take Nikolai’s attention. A book he couldn’t find in any bookstore no matter how hard he had searched; Another book he could find but it was too expensive for Baghra to let him buy; A shirt from a band Baghra didn’t let Aleksander go see live.

And of course there was the matter that he wasn’t wearing glasses anymore. Nikolai told him he should find a new acessory that was always on him. Aleksander tried to tell him, that his glasses weren’t an acessory, but Nikolai just shook his head. It didn’t matter what Nikolai had chosen to give Aleksander. He probably had bought everything Aleksander thought of and even more gifts, just in case.

But Aleksander didn’t want gifts. He had a bad feeling in his stomach and he just wanted it to disappear. When he told Nikolai about it, Nikolai had yelled at him over the phone. He thought Aleksander was just trying to make excuses to cancel his so-called party to not bother Baghra. In a way, it was kind of true.

***

“ _Get up!”_

He had finally fallen asleep.

“ _Get up, Aleksander_!”

It was Ulla’s voice. She was scared. His first thought was that the house was on fire. He jumped out of bed, startled, and dizzy of getting up so suddenly.

“Get your jacket! And some shoes.” Ulla took down the fake back of his closet and started taking money out of the hole on the wall. “Now, Sasha! Mom is waiting.”

“Where are we going?” He held the bag for her and let her throw the money inside faster.

“Somewhere safe.”

“But your ankle thing? Won’t it set an alarm out? Won’t the police come?”

“Yes,” She said and got her whole arm inside the wall, searching for what it was left. “And yes, it will. I’m going to cut it but when the police comes, we’ll be gone.”

She took her arm out of the wall, taking a gun out. Aleksander stared at her. Ulla hid the gun in the back of her pants and grabbed him by the shoulders.

“It’s going to be okay, Aleksander. Alright? Mama would never let anything happen to you. Maybe to me, but not you.” It was the best attempt of a joke she could make. He couldn’t bring himself to smile. “Grab a jacket and hurry up.”

He blinked and pulled a sweater and a jacket out of the closet. He grabbed his backpack and a pair of sneakers, running down following his sister before the first shot was fired.


	4. Part I - The man left behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: mention of shooting

Police was everywhere when Nikolai pumped the breaks on his bike. He walked towards the Morozov's house trying to understand what was going on until a police officer stopped him and told him to go home.

"What's going on?"

"None of your business. Just keep going, son."

"It is my business, actually. I'm supposed to be here."

"Really? What's your relationship with the family that lives here?"

Nikolai shrugged. "My best friend lives here. Where are they?"

"You know the son?"

"Yes. Can you tell me what's going on?"

The officer searched him with his eyes. He touched Nikolai's shoulder and took him a bit far from the police and the neighbors, they were talking to each other. It was confusing.

"There was a shooting last night. They ran away. Including the girl, Ulla. Do you know her too?"

"Yeah, but... A shooting?! Why would the police shoot at them? What did they do?"

"It's not us they were running from, kid. Why don't you go home? I'm sure your friend is fine."

"You don't mean that."

The officer sighed. "What do you know about your friend's mother?"

"Nothing."

It wasn't a complete lie. In the two years he knew Aleksander and his family, he hadn't become the sharing type. At first Nikolai thought it was a matter of trust. But a few things made Nikolai sure that he wasn't the problem. Aleksander was scared of something else.

"Well... Yes, I didn't think she would leave kids as witnesses behind."

"Witnesses?"

"Listen. Go home. They're not here. And they're not coming back. Just let it go."

He turned his back on Nikolai leaving the kid more confused than he was when the officer found him.

***

Hours went by and the police finally left their place and the street emptied. It was almost night. But then again, if Aleksander had been home, they would be celebrating his birthday. So, Nikolai not showing up for dinner shouldn’t surprise his parents.

He climbed the window to Aleksander's room. He had done it before, just to prove that he could. Aleksander had almost closed the window on him. _But who can refuse a Romeo gesture like that?_ That question earned Nikolai a slap on the back of the head.

The closet doors were opened but his clothes were still there. Nikolai then noticed a hole on the wall. It was empty. Had the police done that? Were they looking for something?

Aleksander's backpack was gone and a pair of shoes too. Of course, that Nikolai only noticed that because of Aleksander's obsession with order in his room. His shoes were always lined up, so if a pair was missing it looked weird.

The only things on his bedside table were the picture frame Nikolai had given him and a clock. If Aleksander had really ran away with no intention of coming back, it stung he didn't take the picture with him.

Nikolai sighed, feeling like an idiot. A shooting happened and here he was, upset because Aleksander didn't remember a picture frame in the middle of the chaos.

What if he had been shot? What if he was hurt? What if he was really gone for good?

Nikolai removed the picture from the frame. In the picture Aleksander's tan was light but noticeable if you knew him. Nikolai remembered the day they took that picture. They went for a swim and when they got back on the boat, they had the best ice cream. At night, they star gazed. Aleksander brought a book that explained the constellations, but Nikolai ended up renaming them trying his best to get a laugh from him.

Aleksander had been so tired of having fun that he didn't fought back against his will to not smile.

_"We should do this every year on my birthday." Nikolai said. "I'll take you on my boat. We'll swim and just relax all day."_

_"Yeah. And eat ice cream too."_

_"I don't know what's with irony, I'm pretty sure there is not an age restriction for eating ice cream. But if it makes you feel better, we'll have wine too."_

_"It's cute that you think we'll still be friends."_

_"Why wouldn't we be?"_

_"People grow apart." He shrugged._

_Nikolai sighed. “It’s cute that you think you’ll ever get rid of me.”_

The joke was on Nikolai. It seemed like Aleksander had done it just fine.

***

Ulla’s hands were shaking. Aleksander thought that she was holding on to him to make sure she stayed still. She seemed more scared than him. Being inside for months probably had done that to her. Also, no matter how old you got, a shooting happening left anyone uneasy, he supposed.

Or maybe it was just Baghra’s fast driving that was making both of them so nervous. He held her hands. They were both cold. Ulla forced herself to smile at her little brother.

“We’re not coming back, are we?” He asked watching that smile vanish.

“No…” She whispered. “I don’t think we are.”

Ulla’s arms wrapped Aleksander in a warm embrace. He rested his head on her chest and heard her heartbeat. It was better than the clock on his room.

“I made you a cake.” Ulla said. He didn’t move but he could tell she was crying. “I’m sorry you can’t eat it.”

“I’m sure the cake was great. I just wish I could have let Nikolai know… something. He’s going to be confused.”

“Better that way.” Baghra said from the driver’s sit. “It’s safer for him.”

That relieved Aleksander. He didn’t want to even imagine Nikolai involved in any of the Morozov’s problems.

“I know you’re going to miss him a lot,” Ulla brushed his hair back. “I will too. But mama is right. It’s better like this.”

“I told you to not make friends.”

Aleksander didn’t let himself cry. For all the scolding Baghra gave him about Nikolai, he couldn’t bring himself to regret the friendship they had. It was the most precious thing he had in his life for all he was concerned. And now it was gone.

“Nikolai—”

“I know, I know. He got to you, not the other way around. And that boy is more stubborn than you. I know all of that, I’m not an idiot, Aleksander.”

Baghra sighed. Maybe she would miss him too.

“You should have known this was coming at some point. I told you it would.”

He did know. And he warned Nikolai before. People grew apart. Friendships ended. At some point Nikolai would move on and get new friends, instead of hanging out with an introverted loner anyway. But this wasn’t a friendship falling apart. He was on the run. They weren’t even allowed to say goodbye.

“Maybe I could write him a letter? Without address or details or anything that can be traced down to us. Just… To tell him we’re okay.”

“We’ll talk about this later.” His mother said putting an end to the conversation.

Aleksander pressed his lips together and felt Ulla’s hands squeeze his. That clearly meant no, he couldn’t write him anything.


	5. Part I - Not so much of a goodbye

“Pick up, pick up, pick up…” Aleksander whispered to the phone.

Ulla was on the look out. The ringing was killing him. What if Nikolai wasn’t home? What if his parents picked up instead? No, that was impossible, it would at least be a maid.

The phone booth’s glass was dirty, but Aleksander couldn’t help to write on it, just to try calming his nerves down. N-I-K-

“ _Hello?_ ”

Aleksander’s heart sunk. “Nik… Nikolai?”

“Sasha?! Sasha, where are you? Are you okay? I went by your house, they told me there was a shooting and… Police was everywhere, what’s going on? Are you okay? Was it something with Ulla? Is she okay? Oh God, is your mother okay? Was there really a shooting? Who’s trying to kill you? And why haven’t you mention someone would try to kill your family _?”_

Aleksander got lost in the middle of the hundred of questions. His body was falling asleep as Nikolai spoke. He could imagine the look on Niko’s face just by listening to his voice. He caught himself chuckling, before he started to cry. Until the end of the call, he was sure he would lose his mind.

“Sasha? Are you okay? It doesn’t sound like you’re breathing.”

“I…” Aleksander kicked the floor and sobbed. “Niko, I can’t go back.”

On the other side of the call, Nikolai was sat on his bed, with the telephone on his hands. His heart was beating so loudly that he thought Aleksander could hear it through the call.

“I can help you and your family. You know I can. I’ll talk to my dad. He’ll do something, I promise you! Just… don’t do anything stupid. I’ll help you. I promise, Sasha. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Another sob. “He can’t do anything. And we don’t need help. We just can’t go back. But we’ll be fine. We always turn out fine.”

“Wha-Why can’t you just come back?”

“It’s just… how things are. I just needed to let you know I’m okay. We’re all alive. I felt like I owe you that at least. But… I can’t keep calling you. My mother doesn’t even know I’m talking to you right now. So… You might stop hearing from me.”

Nikolai thought he would break the phone of how hard he was grabbing the damn thing. “Just tell me where you are, I’ll meet you there.”

Aleksander drew an O on the glass.

“You know I can’t do that.”

“Of course you fucking can!” Nikolai stood up “Don’t be a jerk. Just tell me where you are, and I’ll go and—”

“And what?! What are you going to do Nikolai?” Aleksander felt like he couldn’t breathe. “You don’t know how to survive without your big house and your daddy’s money, so stop trying to be the hero. Just forget the whole thing. And don’t tell anyone I called you.”

Aleksander slammed the phone on the box and got out of the photo booth, leaving nothing behind but the name written on the glass door.

Nikolai put down the phone and laid on his bed. When he was nervous or impatient, he would pace around the room, even do push ups to try to waste his energy. But his body was shutting down. All he could feel was the knot on his throat and the pain in his chest.

***

_“It’s cute that you think you’ll ever get rid of me.”_

_Aleksander stared at him. “It’s more likely that you’ll get rid of me. Or your parents anyway.”_

_Nikolai turned his neck at him. They held each other’s gazes._

_“This is the part where you lie and tell me they don’t hate me.”_

_“They don’t hate you. They dislike you. But they dislike everyone, so you really shouldn’t take it personally.”_

_“I don’t.” Aleksander looked up at the stars._

_Nikolai always thought that the time between Aleksander looking him in eyes and turning his eyes away was never enough to make him satisfied. He scootched over, closer to Aleksander._

_“You know they can’t simply toss you away from my life.”_

_“I know. You’re a rebel with a noble heart and you’ll keep me near you forever and ever.” He rolled his eyes and yawned._

_“I mean it. You’re my best friend. You’re like…”_

_“…A brother?” Aleksander asked, almost uncomfortable._

_“No! Brothers are overrated.” Nikolai looked around the deck of the boat. His parents were inside of course, enjoying their fancy dinner and Vasily was probably comforted by the wine too._

_“You’re scared he’ll hear you?”_

_“Fuck him.” Nikolai shrugged and then gawk at Aleksander’s face. “Hey… Since you didn’t get me anything for my birthday_ — _”_

_“Don’t twist things around.” Aleksander pointed his finger to Nikolai’s face. “I had a gift in mind for you and you, being the usual selfish bastard, decided to buy the thing for yourself. Very narcissistic of you.”_

_“Very clever of me. Because now, I can ask you for whatever and you just have to do what I want.”_

_“I think you mistaken me for somebody else, because that’s not going to work on me.”_

_“Really?” Nikolai smiled._

_Aleksander sighed. “You better not ask me to go swim right now. Because it’s night, okay? It’s dark. If I get on the water I will have a panic attack and die. Drowned. And you’ll have to tell my mother.”_

_“You wouldn’t die. Vasily knows CPR.”_

_Aleksander winced. “…If it comes to that just let me die.” That got a laugh from Nikolai. “What do you want?”_

_“Close your eyes.”_

_“Huh… That is not going to happen.”_

_“You have to!”_

_“There is no law that says I have to.”_

_“It’s my birthday. I am the law.” Nikolai declared with his chin up._

_“Just spit it out. What do you want?”_

_“Close. Your. Eyes.”_

_Aleksander looked at him. He was considering do it, but Aleksander always hesitated. Nikolai had to push him into the fun things._

_“…I’m scared.”_

_“You don’t trust me?”_

_“I just… I feel like you’re going to push me into the ocean. I don’t feel safe.”_

_“Aleksander,” Nikolai smiled with his eyes closed._

_He felt softer every time Nikolai called him._

_“Why the hell would I push you into the ocean?”_

_“I mean… I do insult you a lot. Besides, I'm not sure if you know this, but... You're a little bit crazy sometimes."_

_"I promise I won't do anything crazy. Just close your eyes. Please."_

_Aleksander sighed, looking at him carefully. He closed his eyes and held his own hands. Nikolai found that funny._

_It was a chilly summer night. Of course that both of them did rather stay outside, alone, hearing the waves hit the boat and look at the stars, even of it was cold. But Nikolai's face was warm. And his ears too._

_Nikolai brushed his hair back and leaned on Aleksander's face. He hesitated when he saw that Aleksander could feel his breath. But he had thought about this too much to just quit now. He pressed his lips against Aleksander's, gently and quite honestly afraid. Aleksander was usually all talk no action, but Nikolai was sure that if he didn't want this than Nikolai would end the day with a broken nose._

_Aleksander was warm and his lips were soft. There was a comfort there that Nikolai thought it was like laying down on a velvet sheet and resting your head on a pillow shaped for your head. Their mouths went well together._

_All that changed was Aleksander's breathing which made Nikolai pull away, afraid the boy couldn't breathe. Aleksander's opened his mouth right away and Nikolai couldn't resist the impulse of kissing his bottom lip before he leaned back._

_They looked each other in the eyes once again. The moonlight covered Aleksander's face. Nikolai could feel his skin warmer. His stomach was making too much noise, and not because he was hungry but because he was nervous._

_"I wanted that for a while now."_

_Aleksander closed his mouth and sat, hugging his legs._

_"Do we have to talk about this?"_

_They turned their heads to each other. Both were red. At least it wasn't like they could diss each other on who was blushing harder._

_"No. We don't. We don't even have to mention it."_

_Aleksander could feel the disappointment in his voice. He felt guilt. And shame. Sometimes he thought about kissing him. On the cheek. On the lips too, if he was really honest. Sometimes he thought kissing him would just shut Nikolai up and he liked that idea._

_Most people in their school already dated. Aleksander felt like it was all overwhelming. He was 12, why would he date anyone? He told Nikolai that people just rushed things so much he felt nauseated by it by thinking about it. Nikolai had told him, very sincerely, that maybe he just wasn't ready for human contact in anyway. It was true, but also not so much._

_Because, though Aleksander walked away from holding Nikolai's hand, or did his best to hide it, he liked when they were affectionate. Probably because he didn't received a lot of affection in his house._

_He liked when Nikolai invented handshakes for them. He liked when Nikolai grabbed his wrists or his hands, because he was always gentle and nice. He liked when Nikolai squeezed his shoulder to wake him up. He liked when Nikolai laughed so much he rested his head on Aleksander's shoulder. And he liked when they ran together and Nikolai elbowed him softly, to mess with him._

_"Just tell me if you hated it." Nikolai asked, quite desperately, bringing him back to reality. Nikolai. Boat. Kiss. Right._

_"That's not why I don't want to talk about it."_

_Nikolai stared at him._

_"I didn't hate it. I just don't feel ready."_

_"It was... Just a smooch, I didn't... I'm sorry, I thought it would be fine. I thought... It wouldn't matter." Nikolai choked up._

_Aleksander was the one staring now. Nikolai was always confident and cocky. He was truly upset._

_"I'm really sorry, Aleksander. I was selfish and... I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to…"_

_"I liked it." he said quietly taking in the surprised look on Niko's face. "Stop apologizing. Please, I’m not traumatized. I'm fine. I'm just not ready for you. Or this. So, can we please not talk about it? Can we keep things the same?"_

_"Obviously," Nikolai mumbled still in shock. "So, you liked it?"_

_Aleksander nodded, looking away. Nikolai couldn't help himself._

_"So if I did it again..."_

_"Don't push it. We can get caught."_

_"Okay, okay..." Nikolai agreed, smiling like a fool. "But no one's here now. Just one. A good night’s kiss."_

_Aleksander looked behind him. No one was coming, he thought. He looked at Nikolai. His blond hair was still wet from showering. It was a complete mess but Nikolai refused to cut it for the summer._

_He smirked at Aleksander. He was back to himself and Aleksander couldn't pretend to be annoyed at the cockiness that followed. He leaned forward as did Nikolai, meeting each other's lips briefly but with care. Nikolai touched his cheek with his knuckles and Aleksander had to restrain himself to not take a deep breath on Nikolai's face. Kissing was nice but it would definitely take place in other times for Aleksander. Later times._

_“Yup.” Nikolai laid back with his arms behind his head. “We are making this a birthday tradition.”_


	6. Part II - Business is business

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! This is the beginning of part II  
> It's 7 years after the last chapter.  
> Enjoy!!!

“Mama,” Aleksander called, weary and annoyed. “I’m asking you, please don’t make me babysit that kid.”

Baghra didn’t yelled as Ulla was expecting her to. Then again, she was always calmer and more collected when she was addressing Aleksander. Even if she had become colder to him. Baghra took the cigarette out of her mouth and leaned back on her chair.

“I’m not asking you to baby sit him.”

Aleksander turned his eyes to the ceiling to avoid rolling them.

“I assume you know I don’t like have him around either.” She admitted. “He’s a cocky little bastard. Not the good kind too.”

Aleksander and his sister glanced at each other. They were used to her rudeness, but Baghra wasn’t usually so opened with her thoughts.

“Nonetheless, doesn’t mean he has to be a complete waste of space. He’s good at finding things, so let them help. You’re taking him with you to the city and you’re going to fix this, Aleksander. And then you’re coming home. No short cuts.”

She swirled her chair and took a good look at her son.

“I see. You’re sending _him_ to babysit me.”

“Mama, Sasha wouldn’t go look for—”

“Be quiet, I’m not talking to you.”

Ulla bit her lip, making sure she didn’t yell at her mother.

“And you,” She pointed at Aleksander. “don’t play stupid with me. You think I don’t know you keep track of your golden boy? Stay away from him. That’s the last time I’m telling you that.”

“You underestimate me.” He crossed his arms making his best poker face.

“Knowing you’re an idiot isn’t underestimating you, it’s just clear thinking, son.”

“I’m not looking for Nikolai.”

“Why would you look for someone who isn’t even lost?” Baghra took the cigarette back to her lips.

She took a news paper from under her desk’s pile of papers and opened it, searching it page for page. It made Aleksander feel unneasy. He wasn’t sure why he thought Baghra wouldn’t find him out too. Nikolai’s face was on the paper, who wouldn’t find out?

He saw the article about it the day before. Every year there was an article about the pristigious class graduating that old elitistic University that he already know Nikolai would be a student in since they were friends. Where else would their parents send him too? And of course, who ever wrote about that year’s class, couldn’t help themselves to mention the name Lantsov a bunch of times.

In the picture, Nikolai was dressed as any other of his classmates. All spoiled brats, one could assume. Nikolai’s hair was fixed, but by the length, Aleksander could assume he still liked to not cut it. And Aleksander had come to enjoy letting his hair grow too. He thought that if he saw Nikolai again, Nikolai would probably say he had stolen his haircut. And yeah, maybe he did.

“Our little prince is graduating from University.” She said reading the article. “Have you seen this, Ulla?”

“What?”

Baghra sighed. “What are we talking about?”

Ulla rolled her eyes. “Nikolai is graduating. So what? What does it matter? It’s not like we’re invited to the party.”

“You got that right. He probably already forgotten about you, Sasha.”

“Good for him.”

“Better keep it that way.”

Ulla looked at Aleksander. That seemed more like a threat than an advice.

“You would be too graduating too.” Baghra mumbled, with her eyes still on the paper. “He’s quite grown, isn’t he?”

“Can I go now?”

“Am I making you uncomfortable?” She looked up. “Maybe that’s just guilt boiling you from the inside. Because you know that if you do find him, so will the wrong people. You do know that, right?”

He should be used to her twisted way of being kind, but it annoyed him to the chore. Why couldn’t she just say “If you do this, bad things will happen to him”? Why couldn’t she just say things simply, instead of making Aleksander feel awful and stupid?

“I have work to do. You don’t pay me to stand around.”

“Sometimes I feel like I do.”

Ulla followed her brother out of their mother’s office, holding on to his arm.

“Are you going to find Nikolai?”

“Don’t be an idiot.”

Ulla slapped his shoulder. For someone with skinny arms she sure had heavy hands.

“I can’t do that. Even more now, that she put that kid watching me.” They stood in front of the house’s door.

“Just kill him and go see Kolya.” Ulla shrugged and smiled.

Aleksander opened his arms and hugged his sister goodbye.

“Come back quickly. I’ll throw myself out of a window if I have to be alone with her for too long.”

“Take it easy.”

When Ulla broke the hug, she looked at her brother in the eyes.

“It wouldn’t kill him. If you’d just… went to check on him.”

Aleksander closed his mouth and held his sister’s hand. She was nice and funny but Baghra was right when she said Ulla was too reckless and too rebel for her own good. She would’ve gone to see Nikolai. He wouldn’t. That’s what made them different. She did what she wanted. He did what he should do.

“Don’t kill mama.”

“Sure. Don’t kill our cousin.”

They both nodded, not knowing if they would be able to do any of that.


	7. Part II - Escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if there are typos, I can admit I didn't fully checked it because i wanted to post quickly.

The morning after graduating Nikolai woke up feeling uneasy. He was back at his parents’ house which he loathed. But he still had to spend a few more days there before leaving for good. That’s what was keeping him from losing his mind. He would leave everything behind soon enough.

When Nikolai was younger all he wanted was an escape from his life. It was silly, of course. Poor rich kid, swallowed in his parents’ money and lifestyle, spoiled to his very core. But it wasn't exactly the money that bothered him. It was what all that fortune did to people.

His mother, if she ever been good, had become this old hag that yelled at their servants and caused scenes according to her mood. His father was a creepy old man that thought money could buy everything and everyone. His brother was a useless spoiled brat that most likely would receive the entirety of the Lantsovs fortune anyway.

Nikolai had spent his whole life acting like he wouldn't get a penny once his parents were gone. Because that's the way it would be. The rumors of him being the result of an affair were so loud he could practically hear people's thoughts at parties and dinners his family hosted and attended.

But there had been an escape for him for a while. A door for distractions and laughter and hopes for the best called Aleksander Morozov. His dearest friend who had left one night during the winter and had barely said goodbye to Nikolai.

He wanted to leave. He thought of running away when he was 13 after Aleksander left. First, he wanted to go find him and his family. Soon he realized Baghra would send him back and by Aleksander’s tone when they had last spoken, maybe it wasn’t a good idea. Second, he wanted to leave because without Aleksander around everything became obnoxious and unbearable.

That happened when he was 13. He was 20 now and he had completely moved on.

Nikolai turned to face the window. The sun was out. He had no wish to leave the bed and go downstairs. He felt his cold neckless against his skin and reached for it. Nikolai was going to give it to Aleksander for his birthday, before he learned Aleksander was not home nor would he come back of course. Since he didn't have an opportunity to give him the neckless, he wore it ever since. It was just a pendant with a circle. Simple and very plain but that was Aleksander's taste in things.

All right. So maybe he hadn't completely moved on. It was impossible. Aleksander had left a hole in Nikolai's chest. Or maybe that void was there before, but Aleksander's presence had healed it for a while. And when he left him, that void was painfully emptier than ever. Nikolai felt like it would be like this forever. He would always feel this way. Lonely. Left behind. Worthless. No matter how perfect he tried to be, no matter how smart he became or how beautiful he had grown, he didn't felt like he was ever enough. To anyone.

Aleksander had made him feel he wasn't a problem. Sure, he used to complain all the time that Nikolai was too energetic, too loud. But he always let himself be pulled by Nikolai into his craziness. It wasn’t until they spoke on the phone for the last time that Nikolai realized even Aleksander disliked him this way. Hell, he was probably glad he had to move far away from Nikolai.

It broke Nikolai's heart. But it also made him grow up. He realized that no matter how lonely he felt, he could survive on his own. He had survived without Aleksander for years, so, it was just a matter of letting him go.

After Aleksander left, Nikolai got into a few fights with the other boys on his school around that time too. They noticed Aleksander’s absence and Nikolai being lonely now. When the story broke out in the papers that Aleksander’s family was running an illegal drug dealing organization, which was involved with violent robberies too, Nikolai only heard people trashing the Morozovs. His parents had been furious because Nikolai had brought that boy home. As if Aleksander was the mastermind behind his mother’s business.

It had been too much for Nikolai to take in silence. So, he got in trouble. More than usual. He couldn’t stop. He couldn’t. Every time he found himself with time to think, he was quickly crushed with thoughts of his best friend. Where was he? Was he okay? Could Aleksander actually be okay if he had to carry all of his family’s problems as his own?

Nikolai kept hearing his voice telling him to stop trying to be a hero. He couldn’t help himself, he wanted to help. And maybe Nikolai could never help him, but he wanted at the very least see him.

He gave up on running away for a while. And then his father forced him to go to University. Nikolai wanted to go to work, to travel, to be free. Three years of studying for a prestigious job that he would never hold at his father’s firm was something like a sentence. But he took it. And he also got his wish to start working.

He started his very own business with his very own partner. A gorgeous angry young girl studying in the same University as Nikolai. Although she was born quite gifted, she was born poor, unlike the majority of the other upper-class students. Zoya Nazyalensky had come the hard way. Her parents didn’t really care about her and she didn’t seem to care for them either. Nikolai thought that she was too self-centered when they met. Soon enough he realized she was just a survivor. And so was he, so they might as well join forces.

Their partnership wasn’t well received by others. Zoya noticed how the other girls looked at her, jealous and bitter over the attention Nikolai gave to her. She heard all kinds of comments for being a gold digger, that’s what they thought of her. They thought Zoya was after his money. Nikolai had to stop her once or twice from throwing a handful of money in the faces of their classmates.

 _“I don’t take your money. I make you money!”_ She had said. Nikolai wasn’t sure why. It’s not as if he didn’t know it was Zoya that ran his business.

But Zoya was just like that. She wore her heart on her sleeve and she spoke her mind. He could respect that. Sometimes it was hard to control her in order to keep things in check. But he trusted her enough.

***

“Your mom completely hates me.” Zoya said as soon as they entered her car.

“She hates everyone, you’re not that special.”

“Yes, but as your fake honorary girlfriend I think should be received better.”

“I think my father receives you well for the both of them.” Nikolai smiled noticing the eye roll. “Relax, we’ll be gone soon enough. Do you have our shopping list?”

She took a paper out of pocket and drove away from the Lantsov’s property. Nikolai loved the sight on his mansion getting more and more far behind. Zoya on the other hand loved his big house. If it wasn’t for the uncomfortable looks his father gave her or the glares from Mrs. Lantsov, she might visit her sweet “boyfriend” all the time.

“Ice cream?” He read.

“You don’t expect me to be on a boat trip for weeks, in the middle of the summer, without any ice cream, do you? I mean how will you survive?”

“No, no. You’re right. I'm surprised I didn't thought of it myself."


	8. Part II - What now?

Aleksander was not impressed by the discussion he was listening to. He was impatient and moody and there was a part of him that just wanted to shoot his cousin in the back. It would certainly make his headache better. And by the looks of it, his girlfriend would be thankful too. It took the girl throwing her backpack to Mal’s face that called Aleksander’s attention. She had spine, Aleksander could admit that.

“ALINA, I CAN EXPLAIN”

But she didn’t seem to want an explanation. Aleksander couldn’t be bothered with all the yelling. He stepped inside the convenience store where the girl worked so he didn’t have to listen to the noise.

He hated this. They had a job to do, they should just do it and leave that forsaken town, but here was his cousin playing around and visiting one of his old girlfriends and making public scenes. It shouldn’t surprise him that Malyen was unprofessional and acted like a kid, but it still pissed Aleksander off. At least he could have a moment for himself.

Apparently, Alina was the only worker in the store because when he went to the counter to buy cigarettes there was no one there. Well, there was a boy and a girl with a big cart, waiting for someone to come and let them pay for their shopping.

“I’m this close to go out there and drag her by the hair.” The girl said. She wore a leather jacket, black jeans and high heels. Her hair was long and so dark it hard not to fixate in it. She almost looked like Ulla from the back.

“Don’t be a dick.”

“It’s her job to be here!”

“Call me crazy, but it doesn’t seem like she’s having a good time, exactly.”

The three of them glanced at the glass window watching the girl kick Malyen in his knee. _Good for her._ Aleksander thought.

“She could be having the worst day of her life, she should still be working behind that counter.”

“Are you in a hurry or something?” The boy stretched. He had a magazine in his hand.

He was tall. Taller than Aleksander. And blond, with wavey hair that hide his neck. Aleksander pushed his thoughts away. Sure, maybe the boy looked like Nikolai. Or maybe it was Aleksander’s mind that was forcing Nikolai onto every little thing. He was in the Lantsov’s territory, it was impossible to not flinch as he looked around.

“I don’t want to be here all day, that’s all.”

“Always complaining, Zoya.” The boy turned around and leaned on the counter, still reading the magazine.

Aleksander’s felt his chest heavy, and suddenly emptiness. As if his heart had dropped to the ground and left him a standing corpse.

Nikolai Lantsov was standing right in front of him. Tall, blond, muscled. Adult Nikolai was real, and he was there, right in front of him. Reading a magazine, elbows on the counter, relaxed as ever, while Aleksander thought he was having a stroke in silence. He was better looking in real life then in that picture on the news papers. Why was he noticing that?

He should move. He had to move before Nikolai noticed him and recognized him. _Well, maybe he won’t_. And he could only hope Nikolai wouldn’t know him because he was unable to move. As if Nikolai could hear him he looked up, meeting Aleksander’s gaze.

And just like that, Aleksander thought he was actually going to pass out. Those hazel eyes, staring back at him, took him to hundred moments all at once. Dinners where they just looked at each other and tried not to laugh. Classes where Nikolai and he had staring competitions and Nikolai always lost. He could almost hear Nikolai’s loud laughter in his head, just by looking at his eyes.

Nikolai opened his mouth, but it was too late. Aleksander was on the move, already with his back turned to him and Zoya, fast pacing on the aisles, not sure where he was going. _Don't stop. Don't run. Running is suspicious. And I don't want to look suspicious. Maybe he wasn't even going to talk with me. Yeah, why would he remember me? I look different, he would never recognize me now._

"HEY!"

 _Shit._ Aleksander kept walking, hiding in the cereal aisle, trying to come with an escape plan.

Zoya looked at Nikolai. "Who's that—"

"Hold on, love." Nikolai slapped the magazine on her chest before starting to jog after Aleksander. "Hey! Excuse me!"

Aleksander crouched down and tried to walk quietly to the next aisle until he realized how stupid he looked. He was a grown man, why was he acting like he was twelve years old playing hide and seek? He was going to face Nikolai and pretend he didn't know him. That's what a real man did, he lied to his childhood best friend's face and he carried on.

"What is going on?" Zoya mumbled to herself trying to keep up with Nikolai's hunt and all the yelling outside.

She put down the magazine Nikolai was reading and walked outside.

"Excuse me?" She said but the argument kept going "HEELLOOO?"

The couple flinched and looked at her.

"Hi! I don't have all day, if you don't mind coming inside and do your job. You know, if it's not asking for too much. Don't worry, if he likes you his ass is still going to be here after you're done with your shift."

The girl sighed before the boy grabbed her wrist. "Just give me a minute."

The girl pushed him away and turned her back on him.

"My dear, you had several." Zoya added opening the door for the girl. "Believe me, I was counting. Let the girl work and fuck off."

Alina almost laughed as she walked behind the counter. "I am so sorry, ma'am."

"Good, you should be." Zoya looked behind her shoulder trying to see where Nikolai was.

"Are you kidding me? Where is he?" Nikolai's voice sounded from the other aisle, making Aleksander flinch into hitting a can.

He heard the footsteps and quickly grabbed the can from the floor pretending to read the label. The footsteps stopped. He could tell Nikolai was behind him but what could he do about it?

And now that Nikolai had found him the question remained: What now? What to say to someone who had left so long ago and didn’t bothered to say goodbye, a real goodbye? Nikolai felt his blood boil and an awful impulse to hug the man standing with his back on him at the same time. He would be so lucky to be near Aleksander without trying to kill him.

“Morozov.” He said, his voice fake but steady. “I know it’s you.”

Aleksander was biting his thumb. He could deny it. Nikolai wasn’t dumb, so it would just be embarrassing. But he was embarrassing himself for minutes anyway. He slammed the can back on the shelf and turned around, looking Nikolai in the face.

He was gorgeous. Why was Aleksander noticing that? What did that matter? Why did it annoyed him? Yeah, Nikolai Lanstov was golden and flawless and amazing as ever, nothing changed then. He was probably the same stupid idiot too. Pretty on the outside, dense in the inside.

Except Nikolai wasn’t an idiot, but that didn’t matter when Aleksander was as upset as he was.

“I think you mistaken me for someone else.”

Nikolai blinked. “You fucking asshole, I know it’s you. Why are you pretending to not know me?”

“I _don’t_ know you.” Aleksander crossed his arms. He couldn’t help himself.

Nikolai took a deep breath. There was a long pause. He could tell Nikolai was disappointed but all he heard was, “My apologies.”

Aleksander watched him turn around against his own will and step away. So this was it?

“No!” Nikolai said loudly. No. Of course not. It was Nikolai, things could never end so easily. He was a stubborn person. Obviously that hadn’t changed. “You know what? No!” He pointed his finger at Aleksander’s face. “I’m not letting you do this.”

“Do what?”

“Don’t you fucking dare! I’m not stupid, you can’t just gaslight me into thinking I don’t know who you are.”

“Okay,”

“It’s not okay, you jerk!”

Aleksander almost laughed at the insults. Something about Nikolai’s rage was almost adorably sweet. Nostalgic.

“Fine.” Aleksander said. “You got me. It’s me.”

Nikolai inhaled deeply and for a moment Aleksander thought he would just start yelling how smart he was because he had recognized him after all those years. But Nikolai just stood there, blinking, lost. What now?

Aleksander took a deep breath. He should’ve known this could happen, Nikolai and him could meet. But what were the chances?

“So you recognized me. What do you want me to say?”

He didn’t miss that look in Nikolai’s face. The flinching, the lips pressed as he processed something that offended him. He was grown, tall, and yet the same boy. Aleksander scanned him. After so many years, was he hurt by him leaving?

“What do you want, Lantsov?”

He wasn’t expecting that question to trigger Nikolai in any way, but as soon as he spoke, he could tell the difference in the other man. Nikolai’s shoulders tensed and it didn’t took him long to grab a bag of dog food.

“WHAT I WANT IS SOME RESPECT YOU LITTLE SHIT!”

“Niko, what the—” Aleksander stepped back trying to protect himself from the bag thrown into his legs. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?”

“YOU COULDN’T TELL ME YOUR MOM WAS A WANTED CRIMINAL?”

Aleksander grabbed a can threw it to his head, though Nikolai dodged it. “Keep your fucking voice down, Lantsov. There’s a lot you don’t know, okay? Just… Stop throwing things!”

He run and blocked Nikolai’s wrists, pushing him into a shelf.

“Can you stop causing a scene, what’s wrong with you?”

“I actually want to kill you.”

Aleksander looked Nikolai in the eyes. “All right.”

“All right?!”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve heard you say that before.”

“Well, I’m not twelve anymore.”

“You sound twelve to me.” He said making Nikolai sigh loudly. “What do you want from me, huh? I had to leave, so I left. What the fuck do you want me to do about it?”

“Heeeey!”

The boys looked at the two girls standing in the aisle. Aleksander realized his fingers were touching Nikolai’s warm wrists and let go, missing his warmth as soon as their skins parted.

“I don’t want to stop your little… disfuctional homo-erotic food battle, but… What the fuck are you doing, Nikolai?” Zoya asked with a fake smile.

“Yes, what are you two doing?! Why are you fighting on my store? You want to argue? Go outside!” The girl said before they were all thrown back by the loud noises outside.

Zoya pulled the girl out of her feet into the ground, putting her arms around her for protection. On the other side of the aisle Aleksander had pulled Nikolai as they both fell to the ground. Nikolai hit his head on the ground biting his tongue, but his attention was on the fact that Aleksander was on top of him. Aleksander Morozov was alive and he was on top of him, protecting him from possibly getting shot.


	9. Part II - Half truths

Aleksander’s headache was getting worse by the minute. It had started with an argument with his cousin in the morning. Malyen wanted to go talk with this girl, Alina. An old girlfriend, Aleksander thought. Some kind of waste of time, but he was so moody that he just decided to let Malyen do this so they could get through the day without killing each other. And now the day was ending with one of them dead anyway.

The girl, Alina, was on the backseat of the car. She couldn’t stop sobbing. It was getting on his nerves and by the looks he saw Nikolai and the other girl give each other, they were thinking it too. But no one dared to say anything. I mean, how could they? She was caught up in the situation out of the blue, she had no place there. And it all had happened so fast.

He could still hear the gunshots ringing his ears and feel Nikolai’s body pressed against his ribs. The rest was a cloud of images. He had got up, seen Mal’s body laid on the sidewalk outside the store, covered in blood and still. Nikolai had asked him something, but Aleksander couldn’t move. Not until he heard Alina’s grotesque scream which drew the shooters inside the store. That brought him to reality.

The black-haired girl pulled Alina into safety before taking a gun out of jacket. That surprised him, but when he saw Nikolai had a gun too his legs lost power. Nikolai had to grab his hand for him to move. He hated that. He hated Nikolai for making him hesitate. They shot their way out of the store through the back and got on Aleksander’s car.

Nikolai had been giving him directions but other than that, no one was talking. On a red light, Aleksander noticed Nikolai shaking his leg. Was he nervous or just full of energy? Aleksander couldn’t remember the details that could give him answers. He didn’t like that.

“It’s green.” Nikolai said.

Aleksander looked away and drove. He could tell Nikolai was studying him.

“Baghra’s going to kill me.” He whispered.

“How is the old woman?” Nikolai suddenly smiled.

“She… gave me specific instructions about not looking for you. So, one can assume, she will not be very happy with our current situation.”

“Is that why you pretended to not know me?”

“Can we not do this right now?”

“No. You’re not getting away with this. Did you follow me?”

Aleksander sighed rolling his eyes. “Why the hell would I follow you, Nikolai?”

“How else did you know where I was?”

“Are you deaf? I wasn’t supposed to see you. It’s not my fault this town is small. It wasn’t even my idea to go to that stupid store. It was all Mal’s…” He slowed down noticing Alina was silent now.

What would Baghra say about Mal being dead? She would blame it on Aleksander. He didn’t want to be bothered; he never liked the kid. But it still felt like blood in his hands.

“So, am I supposed to believe you just found me by chance? Destiny perhaps?”

“I don’t know what to tell you.” Aleksander shrugged.

“The truth. I know it doesn’t come naturally to you but make an effort.”

“Why should I?”

Nikolai crossed his arms upset and turned his head to the window.

“Right. This is all very entertaining but let me be the adult here.” Zoya said. “What do we do now?”

“Ask your boyfriend. He loves to plan.” Aleksander squeezed the steering wheel.

“Not my boyfriend.”

“Yeah, she wishes.” Nikolai mumbled.

“Not really.” She whispered.

“Sure.”

“That’s a headache I really don’t wish on anyone.” She added.

“Then you’re a smart one.” Aleksander parked the car.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Aleksander turned his neck to the boy. So much height and for what? He was still a kid at heart.

“I’m sensing a lot of tension here.” Zoya interrupted, once again. “And I’d love to give you a minute or two to figure this out. But… Are we going to address…?” She pointed at the girl next to her.

Both men glanced at Alina. She was shaking and clearly disturbed by the sudden attention.

“I… I’ll just go home. I don’t know anything, and I don’t want to know anything any of you are up to.” She sobbed. “Just let me go.”

“Yeah, you see…” Nikolai said. “That’s not happening. You left your thing in your work, right? Wallet? ID?”

Alina looked down thoughtful.

“They’re looking for us. You included.” Nikolai poked her knee and gave a soft pitiful look. “So… I need you to take a deep breath now.”

“Alina, is it?” Aleksander asked.

The girl looked at him and nodded.

“Right, listen. I am sorry that you saw that. My cousin and I were in trouble and I shouldn’t had let him go see you. It put you in danger. That’s on him but it’s also on me.”

“Why…” She shook her head. “Why was Mal in trouble?”

“Family business.”

Nikolai snorted and rubbed his face, laughing. It was clear that Alina thought he was making fun of her, but Aleksander knew better.

“Is he… Losing his mind?” Zoya asked.

Nikolai leaned his head on his seat. “It’s just… funny how things don’t change.” He turned back to Alina. “That’s all the answers you’re getting from him by the way. Dead boyfriend? Sorry, family business!” He shrugged.

“Mal wasn’t my boyfriend.”

“Well, my consideration for you raised.” Aleksander confessed. “It’s just better for you to not know.”

“Mmmh. Is it though?” Nikolai cocked his head.

“Yes.”

“But… Is it?”

“Lantsov…” Aleksander called, trying to think with that headache painfully reminding him to not raise his voice. “Niko, I’m begging,”

“Beg.” Nikolai dared.

Aleksander closed his eyes and pressed his lips together, breathing deeply. It pleased Nikolai to see Aleksander brush his pride away so Nikolai would shut up and behave. He almost felt like a little kid again.

“It’s being a stressful day. Don’t make things more complicated than they already are. We’ll talk about this some other time. Deal?”

Nikolai looked him in the eye, challenging at first. The girls were watching them quietly, tense by a moment that didn’t belonged to them. In a matter of seconds, Nikolai’s eyes soften, or so Aleksander imagined they did.

“You’re a criminal why would I make a deal with you?”

Usually, Aleksander had a disciplined posture, thanks to Baghra. He was never the type to raise his hands on anyone. But it was being a particularly stressful day. He slapped Nikolai’s forehead, leaving the blond boy with his mouth opened.

“Stop being complicated and just fucking help me here!”

“Fine!” Nikolai opened the car door. “But I’m not being nice to you.”

“Tragedy.” Aleksander got out of the car.


	10. Part II - Searching for something

Seeing Aleksander on the deck of his boat, looking at the sky made Nikolai feel something in his gut. A pain, an emptiness. Something he couldn't explain. And that sensation was flowing on his chest too.

He made his best to make his legs work and successfully walk up to Aleksander. When Aleksander looked up to him, Nikolai noticed the bags under his eyes. Not deep, but always noticeable. Nikolai passed him a bottle of beer and sat down next to him.

“Is she okay?”

“The girl? She’ll be fine. I think. I don’t think she likes me very much.”

“No one likes you, Nikolai.” Aleksander lied, before taking a sip of the bear.

“That’s what Zoya said. I’m sensing a pattern here.” Nikolai said before he shoved Aleksander’s elbow causing him to spill his bear over himself.

For a moment they just looked at each other. Aleksander actually considered to put his hands on Nikolai’s throat and choke him to death but Nikolai would probably just laugh and not die.

“Still clumsy, huh?”

“Do you want to die?”

“Is that a trick question?”

“Niko,”

“Stop calling me that.” Nikolai looked away, bothered. _Ah! A weak spot at last._

“Why should I?”

“I don’t call you Sasha anymore, do I? Let’s not pretend to be affectionate.”

Aleksander was surprised at that but he didn’t respond. What could he say? Nikolai was right. They weren’t pals anymore, so he shouldn’t act like they were. They sat there, looking at the sea and the dark sky. It was quiet, not in a good way. Nikolai being quiet was never good. And sitting by his side after so long just to hear silence was unnerving. It felt like a memory Aleksander wasn’t sure he had.

"I have to give it to you." Aleksander said at last. "I thought you would change your mind about wanting to live on a boat. I thought you would—"

"Grow up? Suit up and suck up to my father for a nice grown-up job?" Nikolai smiled to himself. "I know. My parents thought the same. Everyone did."

"Ulla didn't."

Aleksander felt ashamed of saying that. He felt so out of place and without confidence next to Nikolai. It was like they were kids again and all the things that made Aleksander grow up never happened.

"Whenever your name was brought up my mother would say you would become a prick just like the rest of your family. And Ulla said people like you never change."

"People like _us_. Your sister is my soulmate. I bet she hasn't change at all either."

"No." He looked at the sky. "Not one bit. Still the same impulsive party girl."

"Still driving Baghra crazy?"

"Pretty much. A few months ago, things got so heated Baghra tried to beat Ulla with a chair. Ulla left home and stayed in a motel for a couple of days. Enough time away to get wasted again. I had to go find her and bring her home before she overdosed or something."

Nikolai snapped his attention to Aleksander. He shouldn’t have told Nikolai any of that. Those were the stories he should bury deep and not let out. And yet, he wanted to tell Nikolai more. Receive his pity, his comfort, make him understand a little bit how bad things really were in his house. Make him understand that there was no place for Nikolai in his messy and chaotic life. Even if he himself wanted to make room for at least the memory of Nikolai’s friendship.

"Did she always have that problem?"

"Not always. But for a long time."

"Is that why your mother is so hard on her?"

"Pretty much. Among other things."

"I’m so sorry."

Aleksander turned his head to him. "Sorry about what?"

Nikolai blinked and Aleksander realized that he probably didn’t thought before he had spoken. Not surprising, Nikolai seemed to do that a lot.

"I don't know. I just am."

Now they were both ashamed. Aleksander took a pack of cigarettes of his pocket, enjoying Nikolai's gaze as he lit a cigarette.

"That's your problem, Lantsov." Aleksander let the smoke fill the air above him in a cloud. "You think people need your pity."

Nikolai had his mouth wide opened when Aleksander turned his eyes back to him. He never imagined Aleksander with long hair when he thought of him. But he had to admit it suited him. A little bit too much. He was gorgeous. Like Nikolai could never even dream he was.

Something else came to Nikolai's mind. They weren't children anymore. They were far from it.

"I don't think people need my pity." He finally said, trying to clear his head. "I just feel bad. Okay? I feel bad about it, what can I say?"

"You could just shut up. But I know that's impossible for you."

Nikolai closed his mouth. That certainly was a hit to his pride. It took a long silence for Aleksander to notice it too. He did this all the time when they were younger. Say something mean that even cracked Nikolai's thick skin. Aleksander never understood how words could hurt Nikolai so deeply. He always felt like poison after.

"Were you happy when you left?"

Aleksander didn't know what he was asking at first.

Quickly a picture came to mind. Young Nikolai finding out he had been hanging out with a family of drug dealers. Finding out his best friend was a liar. A fraud. Knowing Nikolai and his heart of gold he probably had denied the truth until he couldn't any longer.

"No. Of course not. Waking up to the sound of shooting isn't exactly—"

"I meant leaving. Were you happy that you had to go away?"

_Were you happy you left me?_

Aleksander blinked. Nikolai’s eyes were still as bright as he remembered. As if all the hope and endless energy Nikolai had as a kid still filled him with light.

"No.” He shook his head without looking away. “I liked it here. I wouldn’t have left… if it was my choice, that is."

_I wouldn't have left you for no reason in the world._

Nikolai stared at him. He was taller and smarter. More blond too. And handsome. But deep down he still had the same brave innocence as when they were kids. It made Aleksander wanted to sit closer to him. Put his arms around his old friend and try to brush away anything upsetting him. Maybe search for something inside himself too. Aleksander couldn’t remember a time where resting his head on Nikolai’s shoulder didn’t brought him comfort and safety.

Nikolai stood up and Aleksander was thankful enough. He might have done something dumb if Nikolai stayed next to him for too long.

“Can you handle the girls by yourself?”

“You’re leaving?”

Nikolai took the cigarette out of Aleksander’s mouth and winked before placing it between his lips. Aleksander just watched, not noticing he looked like an idiot until it was too late. A few more seconds staring and he might’ve started drooling.

“Yeah. I’m staying at my parents until Zoya and I get ready to leave. So… Don’t ruin my boat. That might be the only real thing that can make me lose my mind.”

“You’re leaving me alone with them?”

“You can always come to my house. Oh wait… No, you can’t because my parents will call the cops on you.” So ironic and for what?

“Well, they always wanted a reason to dislike me.”

“You do love to disappoint people.” Nikolai returned the cigarette. “You can always climb my window. There’s always extra room for another person in my bed.”

“Or two.”

Nikolai laughed loudly and Aleksander was surprised to be smiling at that beautiful sound.

“Tell Zoya to call me if anything happens. I’ll bring you guys food in the morning, there’s not much here. Good night.” Nikolai kicked him gently in the back.

Aleksander looked behind and watched him go.

***

“Is she asleep?” Aleksander whispered when he got inside.

“Yeah. It took her a long time too.” Zoya rubbed her eyes. “You can sleep there. That’s Nikolai’s bed.”

“And you?”

“Don’t worry about me.”

Aleksander knew he should mind his business. Not ask questions he wasn’t prepared to have answered. Still, it was bothering him.

“Where do you know Nikolai from?”

She shrugged. “University.”

Didn’t seem true. But he decided to cut to the chase. “Why does Nikolai have a gun?”

“Ask him.”

“Honesty isn’t really something Nikolai and I have with each other.”

Zoya smiled, leaning in. “What exactly is that you have with each other? Because the arguments are quite amusing, but the shooting… not so much.”

“We used to be friends. That’s all.”

“What happened?”

“You ask a lot of questions.”

“You dodge a lot of questions.”

This was probably why Nikolai and that girl were friends. They both were obnoxiously clever in speech. And wear stupid smirks like an accessory.

“Forget I asked.”

“Seriously,” She said. “just ask him. If you really are friends or, were…” Zoya shrugged. “Nikolai might tell you.”


	11. Part II - The hating game

“You’re home late.”

“That girlfriend of yours is keeping you busy?”

Nikolai spared his parents a glance. “Yeah, we got distracted. Sorry I missed dinner. I’m going to sleep.”

He leaned and kissed his mother on the cheek.

“Tomorrow make sure you’re home in time.” His father said without looking at him. “We have guests coming over.”

“Who?”

“Doesn’t matter. Do as your told.”

Nikolai opened a fake smile. “Is it a secret then?”

“Not at all. But it shouldn’t matter who is coming. If I told you to be home, you will be here.”

“Of course.” Nikolai said. “Of course. Good night.”

“Sleep well, honey.”

He quickly made his way into his room and made his best to not slam the door. It didn’t matter, his father couldn’t ruin his mood. Not that his mood was great, but he was not getting angry even if the house collapsed on him.

Aleksander Morozov was alive. Aleksander Morozov was in town. Aleksander Morozov had spoken with Nikolai, yelled and him and even made him laugh. He was different but still the same. Perhaps Nikolai was being delusional because, most likely, Aleksander was a completely different person. Not the same moody Sasha that was always complaining about Nikolai but deep down liked to be around him.

Nikolai touched his neckless. He could still give it to Aleksander. The thought made him feel small. He was being absurd, as always.

He couldn’t stop thinking about how different they both looked. Then he decided to see the differences for himself. He opened a drawer and removed a photograph out of it. The only thing he took from Aleksander’s bedroom the day after he had left. He laid in bed looking at that. Their hairs had grown. They weren’t so skinny and ungraceful as then. But they didn’t look happier though.

Aleksander was better looking. Nikolai closed his eyes, annoyed at himself. Only he could do this to himself. _Come on, Niko. It’s not the time to have a crush on someone that already broke your heart without even trying_. But was it something he could avoid? Sasha always had an effect on Nikolai. _Sasha_ , he thought irritated. _Sasha_.

When Aleksander had called him Niko earlier it was like a papercut in his heart. He didn’t call him in a sweet way, and it probably was just an old habit. But he was still hurt by it. By him. _Fuck him, he didn’t even apologize_. Nikolai put down the photograph and took his clothes off to lay down and go to sleep.

It had been an exhausting day. It should be easy to fall asleep and let it all go. But he kept turning and turning in his bed, slightly upset. _Why can’t he just say he’s sorry? Is it that hard? Just say, ‘I didn’t choose to leave, but I am sorry. I am sorry because you felt empty and alone without me’. There! Not that hard_. No, Aleksander would never speak those words. And obsessing over it wouldn’t help. But Nikolai kept imagining a heartwarming moment in which Aleksander would turn into a sensitive person and make peace with his old best friend.

He could hear Aleksander’s voice in his head telling him to fuck off. So much for sensitivity. And he would be right. Nikolai should just accept things and let go. And he would. He would help Aleksander and Alina and then let go of him, persuing his future in the sea with Zoya. Until she would leave him too. Everyone left, eventually. And since he was leaving his family behind, maybe he couldn’t exactly complain.

But then, when sleep was almost taking over, he remembered their argument in the car. Had Aleksander followed him? That meant that he cared enough to check on Nikolai. But he had denied it, which could just be his pride talking louder.

In case of being just a twist of faith and they just met by chance, then it made Nikolai feel more nervous about it. From all the stores in the whole city, they just walked in the same one? Was he supposed to ignore that? He was losing his mind over this.

***

Nikolai woke up early and didn’t wasted time on morning lies to cover himself. He just left the house without saying a word and went straight to the city. He had lost the shopping list Zoya had wrote, but he managed to buy useful things and not forget to buy her ice cream. He thought she would be grateful but as soon as he arrived to the boat, Zoya didn’t seemed happy.

“What now?” He smiled, weary at her.

“Why are we a charity now?” She asked. “I mean, I get it. They had to go somewhere. But I thought we were going go leave… you know, as soon as possible.”

“As soon as possible is still right.”

“Yeah, but now it’s extended.”

“Nothing is extended.” Nikolai smiled at the soft glare. He placed his hands on her shoulder and watched Zoya prepare herself to be amused. “If I could, believe me, I would leave today.”

“Your parents?”

“I have a big dinner tonight.”

“Is your girlfriend coming?” She smiled.

“My girlfriend smells like boat.” He took a punch in the arm. “Believe me, it’s probably just a formal event with my father and his creepy lawyer buddies. You’ll have more fun here.”

“Yeah, with a traumatized girl and your sinister buddy.”

“Aleksander is not… that sinister.”

“What’s with you and him? What’s the scoop?”

“We used to be friends.”

“And then?”

Nikolai shrugged.

“Oh, come on!”

“Then… He had to leave town.”

“That’s not what it happened. You’re too petty about whatever happened with him.”

He paused for a moment. “Is it that obvious?”

“I mean, you did make a pretty big scene in the store yesterday. If there haven’t been a shooting right after, that would’ve been the highlight of the day.”

Nikolai shoot his head, hearing her giggle.

“There’s a story there somewhere.”

“Don’t mention it.”

"Good morning." Nikolai looked at the duo.

Alina was as upset as the day before. But at least she had stopped crying. Nikolai couldn't help to feel bad for her. "I brought food."

"Can I talk to you?"

He was surprised by the question. Zoya on the other hand seemed like she was going to burst into laughter. She took the shopping bags out of Nikolai's hands and started to take the groceries out of them.

Aleksander followed him outside and only when they sat on the deck did Nikolai noticed he was wearing one of Nikolai's shirts. It seemed obvious, it was the only thing Aleksander could've changed to. But it still distracted him.

"What should we do about the kid?"

"Kid?"

"Alina."

"Oh," Nikolai looked away, trying to come up with an answer. "How well do you know her?"

"I don't. Mal did. I think."

"Who was that exactly?"

"He was family. Kinda. We weren't close."

"Sorry for your loss?" He said, making Aleksander snort.

"Your friend made Alina talk this morning. She told Alina she would warn her family about what's happening. But it turns out she doesn't have anyone. Another bastard, I guess. Do you have a cigarette?"

Aleksander took a pack out of his pocket and passed it to Nikolai. Something told him that speaking those words was not as easy as Nikolai made it seem.

"What are you doing in here?"

Aleksander stared at him. It didn't look like Nikolai had slept much. Not that he looked bad, that was probably impossible.

"In the city?" He asked seeing Nikolai nod. "My mom sent me. I was supposed to track someone down but without the kid, I might as well go back home."

"That someone wouldn't be the people that killed him?"

"I suppose."

"Looks like they were faster than you."

"Guess so."

What was this conversation? Aleksander couldn't even think with all that smoke.

"Why do you have a gun?"

Nikolai looked at him, as if he had been caught doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing. Then his shoulders relaxed.

"You have your businesses, I have mine."

"Are you out of your mind?"

The question came out louder than he expected. But Aleksander didn't backed down.

"Whatever it is you're doing, you don't have to do. You're rich! Why would you put yourself in a situation in which you need a gun?"

"I'm not rich. My father is. And if you think he would give me anything at all then you didn't spent enough time with my family." Nikolai smiled. "How do you think I bought this boat with my own money?"

Aleksander blinked.

"I'm leaving this place. Very soon. I can help you get home if you want to. Less chances that you run into one of your friends in the sea." He shrugged. "Zoya and I can find something for Alina too."

"Was that what kept you up at night? Making up plans on how to fix this?"

Nikolai blew the smoke out of his lungs, not taking his eyes off Aleksander's. "One of the things."

"Always the thinker."

"I like to have options."

"And yet you always choose the worst one."

"Isn't that why we became friends?"

Aleksander looked down. "Don't remember."

"I guess it wasn't that important for you." he mumbled.

Aleksander took a deep breath. He knew it was coming but it still made itch. Better to just talk about it and move on. If that was possible.

"What do you want to know?"

Nikolai seemed confused at first. It almost made Aleksander smile. It was impossible to resist that lost puppy look on his face.

"You mean..."

"Lets just talk about it before you decide to kill me in my sleep."

"Well... I..." Nikolai raised his eyes to clear sky. "Fuck me, I don't know what to ask."

"You seem to have a lot to say."

"I do!" Nikolai said, excited and pissed off all of the sudden. "You are a terrible friend. Did you know that?"

"Since I only had one friend my entire life, I'm going to say that yeah, I did know that."

Nikolai opened a smile. "Don't make me laugh, I'm angry."

"Sure."

"I'm serious, Morozov."

“Yes, I’m a terrible friend.”

“Good!”

“Is it?”

Nikolai rolled his eyes. Yeah, Aleksander was always funny without trying to be. In fact, they spent most of their time like this when they were younger, bickering and pushing each other. Ironically, it was the best kind of affection both of them had in their lives.

Nikolai shook his head and sighed. “I hate you.”

Aleksander didn’t move but he had the need to ask.

“Do you really?”

No. Of course not, he could never hate Aleksander. No matter how hard he tried.

“Sometimes.”

Aleksander wasn’t surprised. And he could live with «sometimes».

“That means you think about me.”

“You always were smart.” Nikolai touched his chest, with a sarcastic smile.

“You should forget about me.”

“Easier said than done.”

Well, he could relate with Nikolai that much. He wanted to forget about him so much that it became impossible to do so. When he was younger, he thought of running away, just for a few days; he could send Nikolai a letter, call him again, meet him somewhere. He wasn’t sure why, but he just wanted another moment. Aleksander couldn’t pretend it would be a goodbye. He didn’t know how to say goodbye.

“Did you ever miss me?” Nikolai asked, bringing him back to reality.

Nikolai seemed ashamed. Sad. It made Aleksander nauseated to see him like that.

“Yeah,” He looked away. “Sure. I got used to have you annoying me.”

Not the poetic answer Nikolai wanted, but it still made him smile.

“I miss you too. When I don’t hate you.”

“Does that happen often?”

“Well, there’s a lot to hate about you.” He shrugged.

Aleksander rubbed his hands together. “I’m sure it’s hard for you to not have a sidekick following you around. Though Zoya seems to do the job well.”

“She’s as rude as you are. And she hits me more that you ever did. But you know, you never forget your first.”

“I feel very tempted to push you into the ocean.”

“Go ahead. I can pretend to drown, and you’ll give me mouth to mouth—”

“It’s easier for me to get rid of your dead body than to save you.”

Nikolai leaned his head to look at him. “This is why I always liked your sister better than you.”

“You two should get married then and leave me alone.”

“I am never leaving you alone, Morozov. You’ll have to run away from me again to get rid of me.”

“I didn’t… run from you.”

Nikolai’s smile evaporated. “Yes. You did. You didn’t have to leave me completely. You could’ve written. You could’ve called me. There’s so many things you could’ve done to not lose me, and you didn’t even try.”

It was true. But Aleksander still wanted to deny it, try to excuse himself for hurting Nikolai Lantsov, the only person he never managed to hate having around.

“Kolya…”

“Don’t.” Nikolai raised his hand to shut him up. “You were my friend. My only real friend. I told you everything about how I felt, and you still left me behind. Your life is hard? Fine! We could have been friends through all of it.”

Aleksander thought Nikolai would either start to cry or drag him through the deck. But he just kept his face turned the other way.

“You abandoned me, man.”

“Yeah, poor you. Left behind in your golden cage.”

“A golden cage is still a cage, asshole.”

“Do you have any idea what would it be like if I kept contact with you and we got caught by the wrong people? Do you think the drug lords my mom pisses off or steals from would care what your last name is? I saved you from trouble, I’m not sorry. No matter how hurt and spoiled you act about it.”

“Why do you have to be a bastard about everything?” Nikolai raised his voice. “Why can’t you at least feel bad we had to split?”

“I do feel bad, I’m just not a little bitch about it.”

“Why do I care?” Nikolai sighed, brushing his hair back. “I fucking hate you.”


	12. Part II - The drinking game

“Nikolai—” Mrs. Lantsov saw her son fast pacing through the hall to the stairs.

“I’m not late, so don’t even start.”

“Nikolai!”

“I need to get ready for dinner.”

“Nikolai!”

Saints, he wanted to kill someone. “WHAT?”

He heard her climb the steps, as slow as anyone could. When she reached the top of the stairs, he noticed the look in her face.

“What is it? Why do you look like that?”

She grabbed him by the wrist and took him to his bedroom.

“Mom, what is it?”

“Your father is coming to the dinner.” She whispered.

“Yeah…” Nikolai nodded. “Usually, the host doesn’t miss his own dinner.”

“No. Niko,” She held his hand as she sat in bed. “ _your father_.”

The words hit him in the stomach. He stood there, quiet for a few seconds. It could’ve been 5 seconds, or 10 seconds, maybe 20 seconds. He didn’t know. The only thing that made him sure time hadn’t stop was his heartbeat. For some reason it seemed louder, stronger.

So, it was true. He knew, deep down. And yet, without a real confirmation it never felt real enough. The looks, the comments, he was always able to ignore them because he hoped they weren’t true.

“You’re a smart boy, I thought you—”

“So what?” He cut her off. “What am I supposed to do about it?”

“I just wanted you to be ready.”

“I could have used this conversation earlier. Like… at least a week.”

“If I had told you, you would find your way into not be here tonight.”

“And that would be wrong?!”

She gave him a pitiful look. As if he wasn’t furious enough.

“You should meet him, Nikolai.”

“Why?”

“He’s your—”

“He was never here. Did he ever care about me?” He didn’t need her to answer. “Then why should I?”

“Because one day you might need him. He’s important.”

“But not important enough for you to divorce Lantsov.”

She smacked him across the face. The look in her face wasn’t confident at all, which only made it worst. Either she was angry or she just should’ve kept her hands to herself. But hitting Nikolai just to regret right after felt bitter. Nikolai watched her leave the room without saying a word. He felt his face warm, his ears burning up. If he had a set of matches, he would have set his bedroom on fire and leave without a warning. Or maybe he would have stayed just to watch everything burn.

***

He should have left. He should have packed his stuff and left through the window, make a quiet exit, not humiliate his family. But Nikolai wasn’t having a good day and his family really didn’t deserve any consideration. So Nikolai put on his best clothes and prepared to make something stupid.

When he stopped thinking about Aleksander, he was thinking about the fact that his real father was probably downstairs, drinking with his stepfather and pretending there wasn’t anything strange going on. That’s how rich gentlemen dealt with problems between them: They would drink and pretend there was no problem at all.

Well, perhaps if they had given Nikolai a thought, a warning, anything at all, he could’ve played the Lantsov son character. But they didn’t. And he was reaching his breaking point.

As soon as he got downstairs and he saw the guests, people greeted him with smirks Nikolai knew were ironic. He could only manage to fake a few smiles and keep his mouth shut. Vasily looked happy, pouring drinks to everyone. When he saw Nikolai, he made a big scene, welcoming his brother to the party. So Vasily knew. Everyone knew the truth. _Great_.

It didn’t take Nikolai much time to notice the blond tall man watching him, over the other side of the room. Well, that was subtle. It was almost like looking in a mirror. That’s when Nikolai thought he would lose it. But instead, his brother pulled him by the arm and dragged him across the room.

***

“So… Nikolai just texted me.” Zoya said and then laughed nervously.

“Did something happen?” Alina asked and Aleksander thanked her mentally, because he didn’t want to be the one asking.

“I’m not sure. Probably.” Zoya looked at the phone.

The table in the boat’s improvised kitchen was too small for all of them to have dinner together. It was weirdly intimate to eat there since the three of them didn’t know each other. At least Zoya and Alina managed to speak to each other. Everytime Alina tried to talk with Aleksander it was about his dead cousin who he didn’t really know. Despite that, she was okay. Both of them were.

Zoya was talkative. He could see why Nikolai liked her so much. She was provocative and always had something to say. Finally, some competition for Nikolai Lantsov.

“He needs me to pick him up, apparently.” She spoke. “I just sipped half a bottle of wine.”

“Yeah…” Alina looked at the bottle the shared between them. “That’s a lot. You can’t drive.” She said slow.

Mourning wasn’t being easy for her. But now that she was tipsy, she seemed more relaxed. Good for her. Aleksander had no idea what to tell her or how to get rid of her. She had nowhere to go, but why was this his responsibility? Even dead, Malyen was still giving him problems.

“He’s going to have to stay home.” Zoya put her phone down.

It took him a long moment, but he realized something had to be wrong. Nikolai had left upset at their argument. It didn’t make sense that he wanted to come back and spend the night with them. Close to Aleksander, that is. Something had happened.

“I can go.”

Zoya gazed at him. “Yeah?”

“If he insists.”

“I don’t know what happened, but…” She shrugged. “I don’t see why he would ask to be picked up.”

***

When Aleksander parked the car in front of the Lantsov’s house, he wasn’t expecting to be so anxious. What if they called the cops on him? Well, it’s not like they would arrest him, they had nothing on him. But it still felt wrong to be there. The Lantsovs always knew how to make Aleksander not feel welcomed at their house when he was younger. He gave himself a shake. He wasn’t a kid anymore. And he didn’t have to speak to them. He would just wait for Nikolai.

Where was Nikolai?

Aleksander saw the door opening and the young man stumble through the driveway and basically ran to the car. He got inside the car as fast as he could and tried to breathe.

“Drive.”

They heard a woman yell, but before Aleksander looked back, Nikolai yelled at him to drive.

“Fine, fuck.” Aleksander started the car and ignored the yelling they left behind.

"Where-Where's zoya?"

Aleksander sighed. "She and Alina finished a bottle of wine. So, I volunteered to come get you."

Nikolai chuckled. What was so funny about that?

"What happened back there?"

" _Family business_." He couldn't blame Nikolai for the sarcasm. But it still annoyed him. "My dad decided he wanted to meet me."

Aleksander tried to focus on the road. "What does that mean?"

Nikolai leaned his head on his seat. "I'm a bastard.”

They had spoken about it when they were younger. Several times. But Aleksander was convinced it was just a lie. A dramatic rumor between rich “friends” of the Lantsov’s.

“Its true. Everything they said about me was true."

"So, you got drunk."

"You would've done the same."

"I don't think I would."

Nikolai rolled his eyes. "Of course not. Because you know how to behave. Unlike me."

"That’s not true. You're just upset and having an awful day."

Why was Aleksander being the voice of the reason all of the sudden? Nikolai hated how much he was right. He was upset. And he felt suffocating. That's why when they got to the boat, Nikolai refused to go inside. He needed to breathe. He wasn't expecting Aleksander to sit beside him, and honestly, it annoyed him.

"You can go inside. I'm not going to throw myself to the sea and drown myself."

"I don't trust you."

"I don't trust _you_."

Aleksander shrugged.

"Seriously... Can't you tell I'm having a hard time? Why are you making everything harder?"

"I... Just sat down."

"You know what you're doing."

"Niko, I'm not doing anything."

"If you call me Niko one more time..."

Aleksander took a good look at Nikolai. This wasn't him. He wasn't this enraged man, this drunken clumsy mess of a person. He needed to let go of this anger.

"Niko," He called.

He was expecting a punch, something clean and direct. But Nikolai was tipsy and not himself. He threw himself against Aleksander, making them fall on the floor of the deck. Next thing he knew, Nikolai was on top of him with his hands on his collar. He noticed the broken look on Nikolai's face. The eyes sparkling as always, however this time he was pretty sure it was because of tears. He only started to believe himself on this when he heard Nikolai's voice crack.

" _Why are you doing this_?" He pulled Aleksander up by the shirt. "Why? Why, why? What did I do to you?"

"Niko,"

"Don't call me that!"

"Lantsov,"

"Not that either! I’m not a kid anymore and I’m not a Lantsov."

Aleksander tried to think. It wasn't easy to do so when Nikolai's weight was on him and he was on the verge of breaking down.

“All right, I’m not calling you anything!” Aleksander touched his arms.

“Do you hate me?”

The question fell on Aleksander like a glass wall. It was loud and he felt like he couldn’t move without getting himself cut. “Why would I hate you?” He whispered.

“Just answer the question!”

“No, you fucking idiot. I don’t hate you. I never hated you. Where is this coming from?”

“Because you don’t care enough about me to hate me? You just forgot about me, didn’t you? You don’t care. I’m just baggage.”

“Listen…” He breathed. “I don’t know how to fix this little breakdown you’re having, but… you have to stop that. I don’t hate you. I don’t think anyone can hate you, so just breathe and sit down.”

“That’s bullshit.”

It probably was. Nikolai was amazing, somebody would hate him eventually. But Aleksander? How would he? Nikolai was the kindest person he ever met.

“Listen, why don’t you go inside and just get some sleep?” Aleksander said. “You’ll feel better tomorrow.”

“Fuck off.” Nikolai tried to stand up but almost fell, letting Aleksander hold him.

“Did you had to get this drunk?”

“Yes. Yes, I did.” Nikolai climbed his way up grabbing himself to Aleksander’s shirt. His hands felt like claws. “You just don’t get it, Morozov.” Nikolai put his arms around Aleksander’s shoulders. Their faces were so close, Aleksander could have choked on the stink of wine.

“No. I really don’t. Do you want to explain to me?”

Nikolai looked him in the eyes. For all that height and grown, he looked as young and naïve as Aleksander remembered. He kept getting distracted by Nikolai’s face and mannerisms. It was becoming an obsession to find new things Nikolai did and said different from when he was younger.

“Will you listen?” He dragged the words.

“Don’t I always do?” He sighed, grabbing Nikolai by his elbows and made him sit down again.

Aleksander felt relieved by having Nikolai’s weight off him. He looked down and his old friend and saw him curl up his legs. The breakdown was long from over.

“You just… spend your whole life feeling like you have to prove yourself to everyone. And then,” He shrugged. “someone that never did anything for you just comes and ruins everything. And it turns out you’re just… nothing. You’re kinda worthless, even.”

“What are you talking about? Your father, whoever that is, doesn’t make you who you are.”

“I’ve been trying to prove that my whole life. And yet…” Nikolai shook his head.

“Yet what?”

“Can you let me speak? You said you would listen.”

“If you’re just going to rant about your self hatred and your daddy issues, then no.”

He saw Nikolai open his mouth so he lifted a hand to make sure he would shut up.

“I know you are hammered, and you probably won’t even remember any of this in the morning, but I might as well say it. No one in this world defines you except yourself. I shouldn’t have to spell it out for you, but this mess,” He gestured to Nikolai. “that’s not your parent’s fault. You did this to yourself because you’re mad at the world. And that’s okay, because it was your choice.”

“Is this supposed to be a motivational speech?”

“Don’t interrupt me. Look, you can cry and get drunk and do your grand dramatic monologue but that’s just bullshit, and I really don’t have to put up with it. Because this isn’t you. You’re a cocky bastard with too much self confidence. Hearing you sob about being worthless is pissing me off more than when you brag about how great you are.” Aleksander took off his jacket, as if he was ready to get in a fight. “You’re annoying and loud. You get in trouble way too much. You’re reckless and you have the loudest mouth. No one can humble you. Not your fake father, not your biological father, not anyone at all. Not even Baghra herself.”

Nikolai closed his eyes and smiled. He had to be very low on self esteem if Aleksander could make him feel better with his witty insults.

Aleksander felt a little bit awkward about saying these things. He believed in them, but he was talking about old Nikolai. He wasn’t sure if old Nikolai was even completely there, but that was all he knew.

“There’s nothing you’re bad at. It’s honestly disturbing how perfect you are. So please, just shut the fuck up about how the world is upside down about you not being a Lantsov. If anything, this should be an improvement for you. Your family is awful.”

Nikolai snorted and cleaned his tears away.

“I’m serious. You were always too good to be a Lantsov, anyway. Prettier too. Your father always looked like Jabba the hut to me, I was afraid for you to get old and start to look like him.”

That got Nikolai to laugh out loud, finally filling the air with some lightness.

“He didn’t age well.” Nikolai sobbed.

“Nor will your brother. You however,” Aleksander shrugged. “might have a chance.”

Nikolai blinked, lost and unaware of what to answer. He had a big drunken smile. It made Aleksander feel a lot better to see Nikolai back to himself.

“So, you think I’m pretty?”

“Please,”

Nikolai laughed, distracted. Now that was the Nikolai he knew.

“Can I add something?” Aleksander sat in front of him.

Nikolai looked at his gray eyes. Does beautiful gray foggy eyes. When he was younger, he had to restrain himself from poking them each time Aleksander glared at him.

“Yeah, sure.”

“I think you could’ve put on an act like you always do and went through with the dinner. But you knew deep down that that man didn’t deserve to know the real you. So, you got wasted and left.”

“Huh…” Nikolai stared at him with lips parted. “Maybe. Or maybe, I was just pissed off and lost it.”

“You never «lose» it.”

“Yeah? And how would you know?” He leaned in closer towards Aleksander. “You don’t know me.”

If they were younger, Aleksander would’ve been intimidated by how close they were. By Nikolai’s red eyed too. By how badly he was shaking of being so angry. Maybe he also would have wanted to hold him and take that anger away from him. He certainly wanted to do that now.

“You didn’t change, Kolya. You’re still the same strong stupid boy.”

“ _I’m not a boy_.”

Aleksander chuckled. “But you are. That’s why you kept your mouth shut when I was talking. Because you know I’m right about you.”

“I’m a cocky bastard, huh? You couldn’t use another word?”

“You’re a… smug prick. Better?”

“It’s better than when you try to get cute with ‘Niko’ and ‘Kolya’.”

“You know what Baghra calls you?”

“What?”

“Golden boy. Little prince. Little golden prince. You get the idea.”

“Doesn’t sound like a compliment.” Nikolai leaned back, giving them both space. “I’m not a boy anymore. I know you love to seem superior with your problems and your unsteady life. But just because you grew up the hard way doesn’t mean I didn’t grow up as well.”

“I didn’t say that.” He saw Nikolai lay down and rest his head on Aleksander’s legs. “You have a bed inside.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to fall asleep.”

“That was always the problem with you.” Aleksander confessed.

“I heard that.” Nikolai squeezed his thigh making Aleksander flinch.

“Keep your hands to yourself. Don’t think I won’t hit a drunk man.”

“So now I’m a man.”

“When you make me want to fight you, yes. Because I don’t hit children.”

“I hate you.” Nikolai sighed. If he hated Aleksander why was Aleksander smiling about it?

“I can live with that.”

“Until I kill you. Do you remember,” Nikolai grabbed his hand and intertwined their fingers. “that time I kissed you on my birthday?”

It was more likely for Aleksander to kill Nikolai than the other way around. “Nikolai,”

“Do you?”

“Of course, I do.” He hated that he said that. And of course, Nikolai, the smug prick, was grinning.

“I don’t know how you didn’t kill me that time.” He said, his eyes closed as if he was dreaming about that whole conversation. “I don’t think you know how much I loved you.”

He spoke those words so lightly, so easily, as if they were true. Nikolai never lied to Aleksander. He lied to everyone else, but not to Aleksander. That’s why they were so close, because they could be themselves around each other. And yet Aleksander got chills by hearing those words.

He reached for Nikolai’s hair. It wasn’t exactly curly hair, but it was so messy and wavey that it looked it. And it was as soft as Aleksander remembered.

“As if you knew anything about loving anyone. You were a kid.”

“Yes, I was. And I loved you.” Nikolai looked him in the eye. “If you knew how lost I was when you left you wouldn’t even say that. And if that wasn’t enough, now you’re here and I don’t know you anymore.”

“I’m not that different,” Aleksander spoke, more desperate than he wanted. He hated himself. He hated this. And he hated Nikolai a little bit for making him feel helpless as a little kid again.

“What does it matter?” Nikolai looked at the sky. “It’s not like you weren’t hiding things. Were you ever my friend?”

“I was. And you did know me. The real me. Even with all the secrets, _that I didn’t chose to have_.”

“You didn’t lie to me?”

“No. Never.” He shook his head. “What would I lie about?”

“Did you liked to be around me?”

“Yes.” Aleksander tried to shut himself up, but the look in Nikolai’s face was pushing him to talk. “You made things easier. Having you around made things good. For once.”

Nikolai squeezed his hand, reminding Aleksander they were holding hands.

“I’m sorry you felt that way when I left. I didn’t feel better for leaving you like that.”

“Are you going to pull that shit again? And leave? Without saying goodbye?”

“I should.” He spoke softly.

Nikolai sat down quickly and leaned closer, making Aleksander flinch before kissing his neck.

“What the fuck are you doing?” He tried to hold Nikolai back.

“I’m kissing you, dumbass. I thought after all these years, you’d have a little more experience on this field.”

“Don’t get smart. You’re drunk. I’m not letting you do this.”

“So, if I was sober, you would _let_ me? Sounds like tomorrow morning might be promising.”

“Tomorrow morning you’re going to be hangover, stupid.”

“Tomorrow night then?” Nikolai bite his neck.

“I’m so close to punch you. Did you get possessed all of the sudden?”

“Maybe.”

“I’m serious. Knock it off. You’re going to feel ashamed in the morning.”

“I’m shameless, sweetheart.” Nikolai hugged him and kissed his cheek. “You said it yourself, no one can humble me.”

“Nikolai.” Aleksander sighed, feeling his face kissed. “Please, for the love of everything sacred, stop it.”

“Make me.”

“There’s nothing stopping me from choking you out, putting some rocks on your pockets and throw you out of the boat.”

“Except your conscience. Would you kill your best friend?”

“So, I’m your best friend again? Well, that was quick. You don’t hate me anymore.”

“I do, I do.” Nikolai nodded, carving his teeth on Aleksander’s pale cheek. “But maybe we can fix things. Heal together. I’m sure we can come to an agreement.”

“You know, I was supposed to come to this city, find a guy, go home and that was it. In fact, I was specifically instructed to not make contact with you. But for some reason, I found you, I got my cousin killed and now I’m on your boat getting groped by you. How am I going to explain this to my mother?”

“I’ll do the talking, don’t worry.”

“You are not talking to my mother!”

“You always were ashamed of me.” Nikolai hugged his torso, cuddling with Aleksander. “Listen, we will always be best friends. We have to be. I’ve seen you naked.” Nikolai said and then winked. “Though you probably look a little different now.”

“I will choke you.”

He grinned. “I’m into that.”

“Holy fuck, you’re worst than Ulla when she gets wasted. And all she does is break plates and do high notes. I should put you two in a cell and just leave. Go far away.”

“Don’t say that, Sashenka.”

“Sashenka?” Aleksander couldn’t help to chuckle.

Nikolai reached for Aleksander’s chin and turned his face to him. “Don’t say that.” He asked, quietly now. “At least lie to me tonight. Tell me you’re not leaving me behind again.”

Aleksander had his arm around him. He wasn’t sure when that happened, but now he was rubbing Nikolai’s back.

“Don’t be a drama queen, okay? I’m not going to disappear again.”

“So, will you let me help you? And take you back home?”

Aleksander sighed. “Sure. Baghra is going to kill me anyway. You might as well be there for the funeral.”

“I’ll make sure it’s an open casket, so I can look at your face a little longer.”

“Nice.”

“Did you love me?”

“Niko.” Aleksander called. “How the fuck do you just ask those questions? Where did that came from?”

“Did you?”

“You need to sleep.”

“You didn’t.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“So, you did?

“Didn’t say that either.”

“What’s the true?”

“The true is that you need to sleep.”

“Just say you didn’t. I won’t be mad.”

“Liar,”

“You didn’t.” Nikolai shook his head. “I know. No one loves me. I’m too good to be loved. All my life,”

Aleksander shook his head. This was absurd and Nikolai should never get drunk in his life again. But deep down, he felt good. Nikolai was rambling and being ridiculous but that just mean he was okay and fully back to himself. And they were together, laughing and pretending there was not a million problems between them. He could use more moments of this.

“I’m just surrounded by a bunch of a jealous fuckers that will never have anything in life so, they feel the need to treat me like I’m nothing. But I know. I know, you wish”

“I liked you. A lot.”

Nikolai rested his chin on Aleksander’s chest to look at him.

“You grew up but you still have no concept of what personal space is.”

“I know what personal space is, I just don’t understand why you would want to be far away when you can cuddle with me.”

“I don’t like to cuddle.”

“Oh Aleksander, who broke your heart? Who didn’t want to cuddle with you?” Nikolai poked his nose softly. “Tell your best friend. You can tell me everything. I will not slut shame you.”

“You’re fucking exhausting.”

“And yet you like me. You know that using the word “like” instead of “love” only makes you look childish. Now, I’m starting to think you had a crush on me instead of loving me as family.”

“You know what, I changed my mind. I’m going to leave you as soon as possible.”

“You want to kiss me so badly.” Nikolai rubbed his eyes.

“Are you finally ready to go inside and sleep?”

“Please. The night’s young.”


	13. Part II - What was left of you

Aleksander was quickly disappointed at Nikolai the morning after he left his house. He was not hungover at all. In fact, he seemed more energetic than usual. Zoya and Alina could not say the same. They were a mess.

Of course, that Aleksander quickly realized that all that morning hype and enthusiasm were pure bullshit. Nikolai was just trying his best to avoid answering questions about the night before. Even though Zoya wasn’t in the mood to ask much anyway.

The two of them had to go buy some groceries before they would leave the city for good. Or at least that was the excuse Nikolai gave. The truth came later, when they were in the car and he told Aleksander he needed to go to his parent’s house to get his stuff.

It didn’t thrilled Aleksander, but Nikolai wasn’t happier so, they didn’t argue about it. He wasn’t in the mood to annoy Nikolai. In fact, he never was. But there were times to be mean and push Nikolai and there were times to be quiet and let him loudly sing radio songs, in order to let him deal with emotions. Even if it gave Aleksander a headache. He almost forgot Nikolai Lantsov was a human jukebox.

Suddenly he was taken to the old days of doing homework in the kitchen table and listening to Nikolai and Ulla karaoke and dance together. He kind of wished Ulla was in the car with them. She would know what to say to Nikolai to make him feel better.

***

“Okay, so here’s the plan.” Nikolai said. “We—”

“We? I thought I was just driving you here.”

Nikolai sighed. “Sasha, I didn’t even say anything. Please.”

Aleksander relaxed his shoulders and closed his mouth.

“We go around the house, climb to my bedroom’s window, get my shit and get the hell out of here. Questions?”

Aleksander raised his hand. Nikolai looked him in the eye, mildly annoyed. “What?”

“Why do I have to go?”

“Are you scared?”

“I just don’t like this.”

“Neither do I. And I’m scared. That’s I’m asking you to help me.”

Aleksander noticed Nikolai touching his neckless, while he stared at his house in the distance.

“Scared of what?”

“Getting caught.”

“How do I make you feel safer? You getting caught entering your own home it’s not the same as your parents seeing me there.”

“That’s not my home.”

Nikolai sighed, tired. Aleksander took a deep breath as well. He didn’t want to argue. And Nikolai already seemed too vulnerable for him to contribute to make him upset. “All right. Let’s go.”

***

Nikolai’s room had changed quite a lot since the last time Aleksander was there. He used to have a lot of music and movie posters around his walls. His bookshelves used to be full and disorganized. It used to be a messy bedroom since Nikolai was never the most coordinated person to have around. Aleksander even used to clean Nikolai’s room for him, just because it drove him crazy to sleep somewhere as chaotic as there.

“I came back from University in the beginning of the week, so… I haven’t spent a lot of time here.” He whispered putting his stuff on a backpack.

“That explains a lot.” He looked around.

Nikolai opened a smile, looking down at what he was doing. When the backpack was full, Nikolai went to his drawer and took a piece of paper from it. Or so Aleksander thought. When Nikolai stepped closer to him, he saw the look on his face.

“What?”

“I… I took this from your bedroom.”

“You went to my house?”

“I thought you would be there, and we would celebrate your birthday. When I got there, the police were trying to figure out what happened. When they left, I got in.”

“You’re so stupid, what if someone caught you there?”

Nikolai shrugged and smiled. “What if you get caught by my parents? Something might happen but you still came with me.”

“Not the same. You see police, you run the other way. I’m questioning your suvival skills right now.”

Nikolai had to cover his mouth to not laugh. They looked like two boys making trouble in secret. Aleksander felt so ridiculous and yet he was in the best mood he had been for weeks.

“It happened. I went and I survived. Deal with it.” Nikolai passed him the paper that turned out to be a photograph. “It’s all I had left of you.”

Aleksander was surprised at how much he wanted to burst into tears all of the sudden. He would never do it, of course. But the feeling was there. So, instead of crying like a baby, he stood there, almost losing his balance. Young Nikolai with his big smile looking back at him. He regretted not grabbing that picture before leaving for so long when he was younger, he even cried himself to sleep at one point.

“ _Sasha?_ ”

“Thanks.” He looked Nikolai in the eye. “I thought—”

Nikolai’s eyes looked greenish with the light in the room. It was hard to focus on anything else and the way Nikolai was looking at him wasn’t helping. Aleksander could’ve sworn he looked at his lips at some point. What was he supposed to think about that?

When Aleksander was able to focus on something else, it was the sharpness of his face. Nikolai used to look softer. Surprisingly, he didn’t miss Nikolai’s softness. There was something tempting about how mature Nikolai looked.

“I thought this was lost.”

“Nothing’s lost.” Nikolai leaned forward which led Aleksander to stop thinking.

The door of the room swung back, making Nikolai step back to turn around. Mrs. Lantsov was standing there, quite shocked.

“Nikolai? Where have you been? And who’s…”

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Aleksander stood there for a few seconds, before he turned to open up the window.

“Nikolai,”

“Mother, be quiet.”

“VASILY!”

“Should I offer you a dictionary?”

“Niko, let’s go!” Aleksander grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him.

***

When they got to the car, they were so tired Nikolai choked from laughing.

“You okay?”

Nikolai nodded. He could feel his heart beat so fast he thought his chest was going to be ripped apart. But he felt good. He felt free. And on top of that he didn’t felt alone.

Aleksander was unsure about Nikolai’s feelings, so he just tried to light up the mood. “You know what I kept thinking when I was running away?”

Nikolai looked at him, scanned his face for a clue before shaking his head, breathing deeply to catch his breath.

“I just wished I had to run away the day after my birthday. Just so I could have cake. And because I wanted to ask you for my gift.”

Nikolai touched his neckless, looking away. He was finally able to give him the neckless he held on to for so long. But it felt more like his than Aleksander’s at this point. He gotten used to the cold material around his neck. He held on to it when he was nervous, when he felt alone, when he thought of his long-lost friend.

“What were you going to ask for?”

Aleksander touched the steering wheel. “The same thing you asked.”

It took an embarrassing number of seconds for Nikolai to realize what he was talking about. The foolish smile on the Niko’s face made Aleksander almost regret admitting that out loud. However, Aleksander noticed Nikolai’s cheeks getting red and quickly lost any shame.

“Is it my impression, or are you blushing?”

“What?” Nikolai snorted. “Why would I…? I don’t care. Of course, you wanted to kiss me, who doesn’t?”

“I don’t know what I was thinking, to be honest.”

Nikolai put his arms behind hisback leaning on his seat. “Obviously, you had a moment of clarity in which you were going to put your thickness aside and enjoy yourself.”

“It was more like a moment of losing my mind.”

“Now who’s being a little bitch? Saints, Aleksander, you just make it so easy to make fun of you!” Nikolai laughed at the grumpy look at Aleksander’s look. “You pretend you’re this tough guy that can’t be bothered with jokes and oh you’re so honest! You say everything that’s on your mind! But you can’t even admit you had a crush on me.”

“The delusion…” Aleksander mumbled, shaking his head.

“Please… You’re so into for me, it’s crazy!”

“You need therapy.”

“So do you, that’s not the point at all.” Nikolai’s head snapped at him.

“I just think that you’re projecting your insecurities onto me. You have all these issues and instead of focusing on them, you have to make it seem like I love you because you don’t love yourself. It’s very pathetic. I’m concerned.”

Nikolai breathed deeply before he tilted his head.

“The gymnastics you make to not confess your love for me… I wonder if you’re that flexible in bed.”

“I feel the need to staple your mouth,”

“With your lips?”

“No, with staples. A lot of staples.”

Aleksander sighed, turning his face away. This was good. Nikolai was okay if he was flirting like that. He started the car and drove away.

“You’re so boring sometimes, Aleksander.”

“Well, you’re annoying all the time.”

“And yet, you want to kiss me.” Nikolai brushed his hair back. He did that a lot. It made Aleksander want to pull his blond hair and shake his head until Nikolai was dizzy.

“You do realize that happened when I was 14?”

“May I remind you that last night you told me you hadn’t changed?”

Aleksander opened his mouth but closed it quickly. Nikolai had the biggest smile on his face now. “Is that a confession or what?”

“I do not want to kiss you.”

“For a liar, you don’t know how to lie very well.”

“Nikolai,” he called. “Niko. Kolya,”

Nikolai smirked. “Go on. I like it when you play soft.”

Aleksander smiled back. “My best friend in the entire world: Will you ever shut the fuck up and stop messing around for 5 minutes?”

“ _Never_.” Nikolai made Aleksander smiled. “Listen, thank you for coming with me.”

“No problem.”

“And, huh…” Nikolai had to restrain himself from smiling too much. “I’m really sorry about last night.”

“What do you mean?”

Nikolai looked at the window. “You know what I mean.”

“The way you behaved last night? When you were groping me like a school boy? Or when you tackled me and had a breakdown?”

“All of it.” Nikolai said, he was still smiling even though he was cringing. “I am sorry you had to put up with me last night. I was down bad and… when I get drunk, I get clingy.”

“I don’t think that’s a drinking problem, but I’m sure it helps.”

“I’m not a slut, you jerk. I’m a classy guy, I don’t just go and try to kiss any handsome dude.”

“I am special then? That makes it so much better. I’m flattered.” Aleksander spoke in his usual dead tone.

Nikolai couldn’t help his sincerity and he was giggling even before he opened his mouth. “You have become… pretty hot. I have to admit that I wasn’t expecting you to, but here we are.”

That should be ironic but didn’t sound like it. Nikolai always had a problem holding his tongue.

“Thank you so much, Niko.”

“I mean…” Nikolai nodded, trying to find words. “You used to be little and skinny and… Everyone that looked at you knew you were sleep deprived.”

“Sure,”

“But I always thought you were… nice to look at.”

Nikolai was surprised he was uncomfortable to say that. It was true, however. He liked to look at Aleksander all the time when they were younger. If he did that now he would probably not get anything done.

“Just don’t grab my thighs again. Personal space.”

“I know. Sorry. Won’t happen again.” Nikolai promised. “Unless you want to.”

“Stop talking.”

“I can’t.”

“I’m serious about the personal space.”

“I know! I remember you hated when I used to fall asleep too close to you. And jokes aside, I know you hated when I kissed you that one time. I really regret doing that if that’s any consolation. I know I’m annoying and clingy and loud, but when I know I cross the line with you I don’t feel good.”

“You didn’t cross any line, stupid. Stop whimpering about it.”

“I just,” Nikolai started and then closed his mouth. It looked like a miracle that he decided to stop himself from continuing. It didn’t last long, of course. “You and I are so different, Aleksander.”

Aleksander winced. Did Nikolai hit his head on the way out of his window? He sounded like he did.

“What are you on about?”

“I think the reason why I always wanted you around is because you’re so different from me.”

“Are you confessing to me?”

“Yes.” Nikolai answer quickly. “Yes, I am.”

“Well, I don’t like it.”

“You never like anything I do.”

“I like when you are quiet.”

“So… never?”

Aleksander sighed. “See? I knew what your game was. You really are trying to pull something out of me so you can get the validation you need—”

“What the hell is this? Why are you acting like I’m your patient all of the sudden?”

“Because you’re acting like a wounded puppy since yesterday and I’m the one that has to deal with it and make sure you don’t fall apart. It’s a responsibility I did not signed up for.”

“Then why are you dealing with it?”

Because… Because what else would he do? How many times would he dare to turn his back on Nikolai Lantsov without hating himself?

“Well, I’d be a shitty best friend if I just let you on your own. And I’m already not that good so… I’m just trying to make things right.” He took a look at Nikolai. The idiot opened a grin as sharp as a knife.

“I knew you loved me, Morozov.”

“Way to ruin things.”


	14. Part II - An internal conflict

Aleksander had to admit that Nikolai was actually a good sailor. And spending his days in a boat with three people was not the worst experience ever. There wasn’t much to do, of course. They played cards, swam and the bottles of wine were not enough for their dinners.

Alina was still an awkward acquaintance, but the air wasn’t as heavy as it used to be around her. Zoya and Nikolai made sure she didn’t just sit on a corner and cried herself to sleep thinking of a certain homeboy dying. They told Alina she could stay with them as long as she wanted to, since none of them really had a home anyway.

“You could stay with us too.” Nikolai told him later, when they were alone.

The girls were on deck. It was Nikolai’s turn to do the dishes and Aleksander had no wish to be left alone with the girls anyway. He always felt like he was interrupting.

“I mean, I know your mom and Ulla need you. But I thought you could take a break sometime. I don’t plan on settling down on land. So… Whenever you want, I’m one call away.”

“That only works if I’m near the ocean.”

He smirked. “Don’t be a dick. I’m offering you a getaway.”

“I know. Thanks. But I don’t get breaks.”

“Well… You can pretend you’re dead and then come back home. Your mom wouldn’t even be mad, because you’re her favorite child, so, she would just be happy you’re alive. She wouldn’t even get mad you pretended you were killed or something.”

Aleksander snorted, closing his eyes. “Nikolai,”

“No, I’m serious!”

“That only makes it worse. If you were kidding, you would seem like less of an idiot.”

“I love it when you insult me.” Nikolai blew his hair out of his eyes, without much success.

Aleksander knew he shouldn’t get close and touch him but there was an impulse to do something.

The lines between him and Nikolai were always blurry, mostly because Nikolai acted too comfortably with him. They slept in the same bed so many times that not touching each other was impossible. But then there were the little things Nikolai did like holding Aleksander’s hands, even in front of other people, or touching his hair, or his sholders. All of that, Aleksander could understand and take in silence.

Things got messier when Nikolai stole Aleksander’s first kiss. Things didn’t change between them, but Aleksander never understood what it all meant. Best friends? Sure, they had each other’s backs. They were family. But what did it all mean?

Aleksander stood behind Nikolai and reached for his head, pushing his blond hair back in a ponytail, so he could see what he was doing.

“Thanks, babe.”

“I know I should be used to how your head works, but—” Aleksander tried to focus and step aside. “Actually, I forgot where I was going with this.”

“I’ll assume you were going to say something mean.”

He felt the need to touch the back of Nikolai’s neck, without having the courage to do so. Aleksander forced himself to sit down before he accidentely kissed Nikolai’s neck. Okay, so maybe spending time in the sea was driving Aleksander crazy.

“Yeah, sure.”

Nikolai looked back at him, looking suspicious. “You’re dizzy or something?”

“Just tired.”

“Go lay down.”

“Don’t want to.”

Nikolai shrugged and turned around. When he was done, he sat on the matress where him and Aleksander had been sleeping on. It was too small for Nikolai to keep his hands to himself completely. But Nikolai was managing to sleep on his back to Aleksander the last few nights.

“Have you noticed how the girls have been acting?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean they like each other.”

Aleksander blinked. Nikolai chuckled.

“Are you always so oblivious? Actually, don’t answer that. I know you are.”

“I don’t pay attention to that stuff.”

“You don’t have to tell me, Sasha. I’m well aware.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Nikolai smiled and looked up. “Nothing. Just forget I mention it.”

“I do feel like I’m introding when I’m around them.”

“I guess we have to leave the ladies alone.” Nikolai tapped his knees. “I guess is just the two of us.”

“Until I go home, and you’re left with them.”

“Yeah.” Nikolai shrugged with a weak smile. “I already knew Zoya would get rid of me eventually. We’re just partners in crime. It was a matter of time.”

Aleksander didn’t feel like Nikolai was trying to point fingers but still, he felt confronted.

“Do you want to see Ulla?”

Nikolai tilted his head to stare at his friend. “What do you mean?”

“The other night you said you would speak with Baghra. I was wondering if you really wanted to go see them.”

“Are you inviting me to your home?”

Aleksander sighed. “It’s a terrible idea. Baghra is going to kill me.”

“She can kill me first. It will give you time to run away.”

“She wouldn’t kill you.”

“I think she slapped me more than my own mother. I have no doubts Baghra would kill me.”

Aleksander laughed. Everytime he laughed Nikolai just thought how he could keep him going.

“Yeah, I’d like to see her. Maybe she’ll employ me.”

Aleksander scratched his head. Nikolai felt the sift in the air. “It was a joke.”

“Was it?”

“Don’t be dramatic…” Nikolai laid in bed.

“How did you afford this boat, Nikolai?”

Nikolai sighed. The last he needed was to be scolded by Aleksander on moral jobs. Aleksander stood up and walked up to Nikolai’s cubicle and leaned on the wall, watching Nikolai resting his weight on his elbows.

“Does it matter?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

All right, he was upset. _Good start_.

“You’re a drug dealer, are you going to give me shit about how I make my money?”

“I just want to know.”

“Yeah, to talk shit.”

“Well, you did say you like when I insult you.”

“Don’t be a dick!” Nikolai threw his head back. “And I’m not telling you.”

Was that a challenge? Aleksander kicked him in the ribs lightly, so Nikolai made space for him. They laid in bed together, hearing the laughs outside. Aleksander remembered the time when they would spend night looking at the scars and laughing liken two idiots. Simpler times. Now he could barely reach for Nikolai without thinking of all the layers between them.

“You still don’t trust me. Is that it?”

“It’s beyond trust. There’s just things that I don’t want to share.”

Aleksander gazed at him. That was new.

“I know. It’s me, you’d think I want to share everything.”

“That’s kind of your thing. Oversharing.”

“Don’t worry, I still have plenty to overshare.”

“Like what?”

“Careful, Morozov.” Nikolai grinned. “Don’t pull what you can’t handle.”

But Aleksander wanted to know. He moved his hand and brushed his fingers against Nikolai’s. His heart was beating faster now, and it all sunk when Nikolai turned his face to him to show his smile.

“Like what?” He whispered, tired and devastated at the same time.

Nikolai bite his lips, thinking for a moment. “I don’t know. There are certain things that even I know should be left unspoken.”

“Like what?”

“Don’t do that,” Nikolai spoke softly, with that awfully beautiful smile.

Nikolai was always smiling. To the point that it was hard to imagine him not doing it. But his smile was so relaxed, so warm. It made Aleksander want to touch his face, touch his smile, feel his happiness with his fingertips, maybe get contaminated by it. He would probably crush Nikolai’s cheekbones while trying to worship him. And if he didn’t, there was always this constant fear of moving closer and feel the warmth of his skin. It was impossible to go back from that. So, he did his best to stay quiet. And then he realized he didn’t have to try, because his body was frozen ever since Nikolai intertwined his fingers with Aleksander’s.

“Do what?”

“It’s always easier when you push me. If you stop putting limits between us, who’s going to hold me back?”

“Why do I have to be the voice of reason here?”

“You want me to be the voice of reason?” Nikolai chuckled. “You must be out of your mind.”

“I’m starting to feel like I am.” Aleksander looked up before Nikolai would steal all the oxygen from him.

This was terrifying. And the worst part is that it wasn’t all in his head, it was happening.

The number of times he had dreamt of Nikolai like this was unhealthy. He should let go of the past, of Nikolai and all of their memories but this was stronger than him. It brought him so much comfort to imagine having a place by Nikolai’s side when they were apart. A friendship that would never die. A love that had never been born and yet seemed real. And now Nikolai was laid by his side and he was real, warm and calm, like a storm bound to happen.

It made him disgusted and conflicted because he couldn’t be in love with someone, he had been separated for so long. That’s all his head could make of it. _It’s not real_ , he thought while his heartbeat became more unhinged. It’s not real. It’s all in my head. We don’t know each other anymore. But he looked at Nikolai’s hazel eyes and forgot all about that logical nonsense.

Nikolai on the other hand was fighting to keep himself quiet. Part of him wanted to jump on Aleksander. But a little voice of common sense told him to be still. _Niko, stop being horny for your best friend_. He took a deep breath. _It’s Sasha. He would punch you if you kissed him_. _If you **really** kissed him_. He blinked, noticing Aleksander’s gray eyes on his. It would be worthy though.

“What are you thinking about?”

He almost rolled over to be held by Nikolai. Something in him was still able to fight whatever was going on with him.

“You.” Aleksander admitted.

“Sweet thoughts then.” Nikolai turned his body to Aleksander, resting his head on his hand. “Or maybe you’re planning on killing me on my sleep. I don’t think there’s anything in between.”

“There is. The perfect way to describe what I’m thinking about stands right in the middle.” Kissing Nikolai was too mellow for anyone to handle, at least as he remembered. But he didn’t want to choke Nikolai out or anything of the usual.

“Between being sweet and violent?” Nikolai smirked, studying Aleksander. “I wonder what that is.”

Aleksander took a deep breath. “Why do I have to be the one…?” He stopped himself from saying it.

Nikolai almost felt sorry. But he wanted to push Aleksander to the edge too much. And cracking jokes was never good to win Aleksander over. He supposed Aleksander had to suffer so Nikolai could get what he wanted.

“You don’t have to.” Nikolai said, his voice as sweet and reassuring as anyone could want.

“ _Don’t_.”

“What?”

“Don’t make things harder than they are.”

“I—” Nikolai shook his head. “I didn’t—”

“I shouldn’t even be with you. Do you understand that?”

“No.” The response was more aggressive than Aleksander was ready for. “I don’t. Are you supposed to live your whole life running from place to place, with no friends, no relationships? Is that your plan?” He asked, almost offended. “What’s the point?”

Aleksander didn’t have an answer for him. Nikolai leaned in.

“You’re not leaving me again. So just stop.”

Aleksander look down at Nikolai’s hand. He had grabbed Aleksander’s shirt. He just made it so easy and complicated at the same time. Aleksander slid his own hand to Nikolai’s.

“Close your eyes.” He said, seeming unsure himself.

“What?”

Aleksander pulled his elbow, lightly, making him lay his back on the mattress. Nikolai didn’t seem convinced and he couldn’t blame him.

“Close your eyes.” He asked again.

Nikolai closed his mouth instead before nodding. “Close the door.”

Aleksander got up and closed the door, thankful Nikolai had reminded him. It would be embarrassing if the girls walked in on them. When he turned around to the bed, Nikolai has his eyes closed. _Good. Good, good. Great._ Aleksander breathed deeply.

Nikolai sighed. “I swear, if you pull some shit—”

“Shut up.”

He saw Nikolai lick lips and smile. _Don’t crush him_. _Don’t eat his face. You got this_. _And stop acting like a fucking kid_. Aleksander couldn’t believe what he was doing when he got on top of Nikolai, and the grin in Nikolai’s lips wasn’t helping in anything.

As Aleksander looked down and he noticed Nikolai’s details in the low light in the room, he thought of how much time he wanted this for so long and how absurd it was that he had Nikolai under him. Aleksander brushed Niko’s necklace aside and pressed a kiss on his collarbone, before kissing his way up his neck.

Nikolai was forced to open his eyes, shocked at how pleased that was. When Aleksander kissed his chin, and they were forced to pull back to look at each other. Nikolai could almost read Aleksander’s thoughts on how this was not supposed to happen. Was anything between them supposed to happen in a certain way? Nikolai didn’t care. If Aleksander wasn’t supposed to be his and have him this way than why did it felt like it was the only real thing bound to happen in their lives?

He wanted to pull Aleksander by the arms, kiss him until he was convinced, but for all the pulling, Aleksander always found his way to push Nikolai. And Niko was done with that. He wanted to be wanted. It’s safe to assume he was surprised in a good way when Aleksander leaned with all his weight and took his mouth on Nikolai’s.


	15. Part II - Suggestive

The problem with sleeping in a boat is that light would come in easily and it was impossible to stay in bed until it was late. Nikolai was always an early riser anyway but, something about laying in bed, cuddling with Aleksander made Nikolai make an exception to stay put and be lazy.

Aleksander was sleeping so peacefully that Nikolai couldn't dare to wake him up. Even if he was sleeping on top of Nikolai's arm and it was seriously blocking his circulation. He could endure it a little longer. Deep down he just wanted to enjoy this moment a little bit more. But that had been the same thought the night before. He didn’t want to fall asleep and he didn’t want Aleksander to fall asleep either. Of course, once Aleksander stop replying, Nikolai just had to accept that the therapy session he was having was over.

It felt nice to finally have his arms around Aleksander without being afraid of being too much. It also felt great to spend a night telling each other things they had buried hidden inside them for years. Aleksander told him about how he had dropped out of school, how Baghra was always bitter about it because she wanted him to study. He told Nikolai about how burden he felt to do something to help his family and that despite all the nagging, Baghra laid all these responsibilities on him. And Nikolai told him about the fights, the troubles he created for himself when he was left alone. He even decided to open up about the things he and Zoya worked in together. They could finally breathe next to each other without holding back.

Aleksander had his back to Nikolai, his legs curled up. It made Nikolai press his face against his back as he noticed that's how Aleksander used to sleep in his bed when they were younger.

Aleksander only let Nikolai sleep close to him on the winter. During the night his ice-cold feet would touch Nikolai's warm ones, stealing the warmth away. He wouldn't admit it, but Nikolai was convinced it wasn't an accident. He was very much awake when he did that. But Nikolai didn't mention it, otherwise Aleksander would stop doing it. Now Aleksander would let Nikolai so near he could feel his heartbeat.

Having Aleksander back, having affection and attention. Having someone that cared about him. It seemed too good. He didn't want to get suspicious. He felt too good for suspicion. Nikolai pressed a kiss on the back of Aleksander's head and held him tighter. His whole world could fit on his arms, it was a strange thought.

It didn’t take long for Aleksander to squeeze Nikolai’s hand, showing him he was awake.

"Morning." Nikolai spoke against his neck.

Aleksander yawned and nodded. Always the morning person. It made Nikolai smile. Aleksander stared at him. His eyes were barely opened, and he looked like he was about to kill Nikolai for pulling his arm from under his head. He quickly understood, by the way Nikolai was moving his arm, that he probably should find a new pillow.

"Slept well?"

That was almost a joke. Nikolai kissed his arm. "Yeah. And you?"

"I had worse nights."

Nikolai glared at him to the point Aleksander chuckled and brushed Nikolai's hair back. "Chill out. I had a good night."

"Damn right you did. There's a lot of people that wish they had the previlidge of sleeping with me, you know?"

"Great. Call them then." Aleksander closed his eyes, seeming convinced about sleeping again. "They must have no idea of your snoring. And all the moving."

Nikolai wanted to respond but all he did was fixate Aleksander's neck before placing a kiss there. He was afraid Aleksander would flinch, but all he did was slide his hand to the back of Nikolai's neck and rub his fingers there. It was nice. Nicer than he could ever hope for with Aleksander showing him affection.

"Are you petting me like a dog?"

"Well," Aleksander started. Nikolai could tell he was in a good mood, even if he sounded like his grumpy morning self. "You're as loyal as one."

"It doesn't sound like a compliment."

"All I'm trying to say is, you're a good boy."

"Piss off." Nikolai buried his face on Aleksander's neck. He was warm there. Considering how cold his hands and feet always felt, it was almost surprising that the rest of Aleksander was warm.

"Who's a good boy?" Aleksander scratched Nikolai behind his ears.

Nikolai bite him in the shoulder and got up, leaving Aleksander curled up in the bed.

“No biting. Bad dog.” Aleksander flinched when Nikolai slapped his butt. "Is it late?"

"Not at all." Nikolai put on a shirt. "You're fine. Try to sleep a little bit more. You look like you need it."

"What does that mean?"

Nikolai leaned over his body and kissed his cheek. "Nothing, love. You’re perfect."

“Don’t get comfortable.” Aleksander covered himself with the blankets. “Just because we kissed a little, doesn’t mean I’m your boyfriend.”

“You’re right. We should get married. That’s why I need to talk to your mother and ask her for her blessing.”

Aleksander turned his head to Nikolai. “Don’t even joke about that.”

“It was not a joke.”

Aleksander threw his head on the pillow, tired even though he had just woken up. He would arrive at his home before sunset. He wanted to prepare for Baghra’s reaction to all of that but the only thing he though was that, if his mother killed him, his last night wasn’t so bad. When he told Nikolai about that thought he didn’t laugh as Aleksander hoped for. Instead, Nikolai shrugged and smirked.

“Could’ve been better. More eventful.”

“So much for the classy guy who’s definitely not a slut.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mister. I wasn’t suggesting anything.”

“No? Too bad. I thought we could take a break inside, after lunch.”

He gasped dramatically. “Aleksander! Please. Have some decency.” It was truly amazing how could he keep a straight face. “And who fucks after lunch anyway? You’re digesting and suddenly there’s something else in your guts. That can’t be healthy.”

Aleksander chuckled shamelessly, bringing a smile to Nikolai’s face.

“Do you think I can sleep at your house? It would be nice to sleep in a real bed.”

“Excuses, excuses.”

“Aleksander, please,” Nikolai repeated, probably knowing that had a ticklish effect in him. “aside from wanting to rail you to the bone, I really do want a bed to sleep in. After I’m done absolutely—”

“Just shut the fuck up!” Aleksander rubbed his eyes.

“Am I turning you on yet? Don’t worry, I won’t tell your mother. I don’t want old mother-in-law to know what we’re about.”

“Holy fuck.”

“You can bet it’s going to be.”

“The urge to drown you is coming back.”

“Is that the only urge…?”

“They’re going to hear you.” Aleksander whispered, nodding to Zoya and Alina laid in the deck, trying to get tanned.

“Oh, I can’t wait to get shamed by miss scissoring over there.”

“I HEARD THAT!”

Nikolai shrugged and winked at Aleksander.


	16. Part II - Home sweet home

It was a weird conversation start, but someone had to address the issue in the room. Aleksander just didn’t want to be the first, so he kept his eyes down for a moment, while his mother looked at both of the young men standing before her.

"Mama..." He started but got cut off as soon as he started.

"I see you found your friend."

Nikolai smiled. Aleksander couldn’t tell if he was faking it or if he was being his usual charming self.

"Baghra."

"Brat."

"I didn't try to find him." Aleksander clarified, feeling like a child who had been caught trying to cover up a broken plate.

"No?" Baghra asked, seeming understanding. "How did this happen then?"

"Mal."

"Where is the annoying bastard?"

Aleksander swallowed hard. "He got shot."

"Huh." Baghra blinked. She paused for a moment and then shrugged. "Guess I'll have to call his mother giving her the news."

She took a cigarette out of her pack and lit it up. Every second she was quiet, Aleksander thought it would be the last.

"You were saying?"

"Mal went to see this girl on the store she worked. Nikolai was there. Then there was a shooting."

"And you kept him around?"

He should be used to her disappointment, but it still stung. And yes, he felt pretty dumb to keep Nikolai around him after a whole shooting happened. It was dangerous. But hell, Nikolai had a gun too, it’s not like he was the helpless rich little boy they thought he was.

"I helped him." Nikolai said. "And brought him back. A thank you would be nice."

Baghra looked at him with that unsatisfied look of hers. "How did you bring him back?"

"I have a boat."

"Aren't you fortunate." Baghra commented. "Do your parents know their precious son is on Morozov's territory?"

Aleksander tried to signal her, but she just gave him a curious look.

"The Lantsovs don't know anything."

"The Lantsovs? What happened? Did they disown you? Did your daddy found out you’re not blood related?"

Aleksander winced. Nikolai bit his lips, seeming hurt. Baghra could bark a lot, insult Nikolai even. But he never felt hurt, not when he was younger.

"Is it that obvious?"

"You don't look like him at all. You're too smart to be a Lantsov. Which is not saying much."

"Almost felt like a compliment."

"It wasn't." she sighed. "You're not that bright."

“There it is.” Nikolai mumbled.

“I remember telling you to not search for him.”

“I didn’t—”

“And to stay away from him.” She pointed at Nikolai, not taking her eyes of Aleksander’s. “Was I not clear?”

“Yes,”

“Then why is he here?”

Aleksander breathed, uncapable of opening his mouth. It was killing Nikolai to stay quiet, but he knew it wasn’t his place to speak. Not yet at least.

“This is what I get for putting some trust on you. You let the kid die to go hang out with the golden prince in his yacht? And you show up here, unbothered,”

“That’s not what happened.” Nikolai said. “And it’s not a yacht! I’m not that boujee.”

“Be quiet.” She pointed her finger again. “No one’s speaking with you.”

“But I’m speaking with you.”

Aleksander thought he was going to yell at both of them, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“Whatever you asked Aleksander to do, that’s what got that boy dead. And he’s here because we sticked together. It was the smart thing to do. And we’re not sorry.” Nikolai crossed his arms.

“I’m sorry, are you Aleksander’s spokesperson now?”

“I always was.”

“I forgot how irritating you are.” Baghra shook her head quietly.

“He’s right.” Aleksander said. “If I just went on my own, I probably would’ve been caught.”

“Excuse me for thinking you could do a simple job.”

“If there are people going around shooting him, I don’t think it’s that simple.”

“Do I need to put tape over your mouth?”

“It’s okay, Aleksander already offered to staple my mouth.”

Baghra looked at him. She wasn’t taking his humor lightly anymore. “I need to talk with my son alone. Find your way out.”

He didn’t want to go, and he didn’t think to move until Aleksander glanced at him. As soon as he walked outside, he faced a gorgeous girl. Her ebony hair was so long he thought it was a vest at first.

“Ulla!”

She stared at him confused at first and then the details in his face started to paint an old portrait in her memory.

“Kolya!” She jumped on his arms. “No way! You’re taller than me!”

When Nikolai put her down, Ulla squeezed his face. “How are you a man, now? You used to be a baby.”

“I was fourteen the last time you saw me.”

She nodded. “A baby.”

He laughed until he heard the noise inside the room he just left.

“Wow, what is going on?”

“It’s my fault.”

“No, I know that. But is it that serious?”

“You know?”

“Aleksander was supposed to be here days ago. She knew something was up. And she told Aleksander, he couldn’t get close to you. Now that you’re here…” Ulla shrugged. “He’s fucked. What was he thinking bringing you? He could’ve at least pretended he didn’t go to find you.”

“He didn’t.” Nikolai sighed. “We just found each other by chance.”

Ulla closed her mouth and looked at him for a moment. “It’s me. You can tell me.”

“No, seriously. I was buying groceries and when I turned around your brother was right behind me. And when I tried to speak with him, he just ran across the store and hide in the pet food aisle like an idiot.”

Ulla snorted, imagining her little brother panicking and going with the dumbest option possible.

“And when I followed him and tried to speak with him again, that… little bitch just pretended he wasn’t himself! Like I wouldn’t know!”

“That does sound like something he would do.”

“I almost gave up but…” Nikolai shrugged. “I wasn’t just going to ignore that bullshit. I threw him a bag of dog food.”

Ulla laughed a little too loud and pulled him to the living room before Baghra would come tell them to keep it quiet.

“You know what? Your brother is always being condescending about me being rich or whatever. What is this house?”

It was huge and there was too much space for just three people. Nikolai was convinced the Morozov family just wanted to complain and be superior, but they were as wealthy as the Lantsov’s. Or more. Maybe he could convince Aleksander to buy him a bigger boat. As his boyfriend, whether he wanted to admit or not, he should buy Nikolai nice things. He was smiling just by thinking about it.

“You know, I told him to go find you.”

Nikolai held her hand. “I always knew you were a real ally.”

***

“What were you thinking bringing him here?”

“He wanted to see you.”

“No one wants to see me.”

“Niko did.”

“Niko, Niko, Niko.” Baghra repeated. “As always, he says, and you follow. I thought you had outgrown him. I really did.”

How could you outgrow someone like Nikolai?

“Mama,”

“My most beloved, Sashka.” She looked at him in the eyes, ready to put an end to the coversation. “Do whatever you want. Don’t cry to me when he get’s a bullet in the head. Get out, I have a rather uncomfortable call to make to your aunt.”

*

Nikolai chuckled as soon as he entered Aleksander’s bedroom.

“Shoes in order of age, I assume.” He pointed at the closet. “Books in order of size.”

“It’s called organization, you chaotic fuck.”

Nikolai turned his eyes to him. “In bad mood, I see. What happened?”

“She doesn’t want you here.” Aleksander murmured.

Nikolai kissed the back of his hand. He shrugged. Baghra had hurt him and the worst part is that Aleksander was relieved that she was the one driving him away, because Aleksander had given up on doing that.

“All right. I’ll leave after dinner.”

“I’m sorry,”

“I’m not.” He looked up at Aleksander. Eyes as shiny as always. “I liked seeing Ulla and catch up. Even seeing Baghra was somehow nice.”

Aleksander nodded.

“Stop acting like I’m going to be gone.”

“Aren’t you? At some point you’re going to leave.”

“Sure. For a while. But I’ll be back. Isn’t that enough?”

It was more than enough. It was more than Aleksander thought he deserved. “Yeah,”

“Kiss me.”

“Excuse me?”

“I hate this whole sad thing between us. Just kiss me and pretend everything’s okay. Please?”

“You can’t just prentend, everything’s okay.”

“Watch me.”

“Kolya.” He called when Nikolai grabbed him by the shirt and pushed him against the door.

He was expecting Nikolai to kiss him, but it still surprised him. Maybe it would never feel natural, maybe it would always be this exciting. Aleksander could live with that. He leaned back and watched Nikolai’s smile. As long as he was smiling maybe they could pretend everything was okay too.

“You’re way too needy, I don’t think this is going to work out between us.” He whispered.

“Are you trying to break up with me? Because you can’t.”

“No?” Aleksander hit his head on the door. “Why the hell not? Are you trying to gaslight me?”

“I just don’t think it’s possible to break up if I’m not your boyfriend.”

Aleksander nodded. “You really took that personally, huh?!”

“I just don’t go around and cuddle with every guy that slides into my bed.” Nikolai embraced his waist. “I have standards.”

“You’re putting words in my mouth. And get your hands off me.” Aleksander pushed him away and went to sit on his bed. “Maybe that’s just your conscience talking to you.”

“Fine, you win.” Nikolai sat in bed with him and laid his head on Aleksander’s shoulder. “I’m needy. Kill me. But I just got you back. And I was just getting used to have you kicking me in the morning. And sleeping on top of my arms…” He stopped. “You know what, maybe we do need a break.”

“I don’t kick you.”

“Yeah, you do. You have these morning chills, where your body shakes, and you kick by reflex. At least that’s what I tell myself to not kick you back.”

Aleksander laughed, making Nikolai look at him almost in wonder.

“Sasha. Are you happy you’re home?”

The smile vanished so quickly Nikolai wished he didn’t ask that. He just watched Aleksander shrug and felt guilt make his shoulders heavier. “I guess.”

Nikolai put an arm around him and pressed a kiss on his face. The only good part of Aleksander being upset is that Nikolai could have an excuse to cling on to him, care for him.

“I’ll kidnap you. Don’t even worry about it, I have everything figured it out.”

“You don’t have to kidnap me. I’m pretty sure my mother doesn’t care if I leave.”

“She would.” They glanced at each other. “What are you trying to do here?”

Nikolai blinked, not sure what to say. Was that a provocation? It didn’t sound like him. But with a human being with no concept of emotion or experience in flirting like Aleksander was, Nikolai didn’t expect much.

“Well, I… was hoping you were in the mood?”

“I meant here, in the house. _Fucking idiot_.” Aleksander shook his head, looking away.

“You know… I’m trying to be a diplomat.”

Nikolai reached for Aleksander’s hand and touched it carefully. He always had incredibly soft hands. And for what? He barely touched Nikolai with them. It was almost wasteful.

“I don’t feel guilty about helping you get here or clinging on to you. I know you have your doubts about us. You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t hesitate all the time. But I know this too: It wasn’t your fault that kid died. It sure as hell it wasn’t my fault either. And me being here doesn’t change anything. If I wasn’t here, the kid would still be dead. And you would still be a good son trying to do what you were asked to do.”

Aleksander squeezed his hand. He didn’t care Baghra was mad. Nikolai should be with him.

“I shouldn’t want you around.” Aleksander started. “My mother is right.”

“Your mother hasn’t kissed me, you have. I trust you to make the right decision.”

Aleksander looked at him. Sure, he was joking but the decision weighted in Aleksander’s shoulders. Protecting Nikolai by keeping him away or just risk and turn into Nikolai’s boyfriend. One seemed happier than the other. Until Nikolai got shot or kidnapped.

Nikolai rubbed his thumb on his cheek, almost reading his thoughts. Aleksander leaned in and pecked Nikolai’s lips. It was a path with no return, but he could figure everything out after dinner, when Nikolai was gone and not kissing him back.

His hand found the back of Nikolai’s neck, as it did so often the night before. It already felt like a bad habit. Why? Why did kissing him made his chest melt like iron against fire? Why did it feel so terribly good if it could bring so much trouble? It didn't make sense. How was he supposed to be strong think clear when Nikolai leaned his head and deepen the kiss so much Aleksander would lose sense of where they were. He spent his night hopping from secrets to traumas to jokes to things he never wanted to say out loud to anyone and all in between kisses like that one. How was he supposed to lose Nikolai after that?

Baghra couldn't understand. She hadn't loved his father or Ulla's. Sometimes it was hard to believe that she even loved them if it wasn't for the occasional proof. A concern here or there. A soft look. A warm smile. That was how she showed love. And maybe she expected Aleksander to be the same. And he would, with everyone else that wasn't Nikolai Lantsov.

With Nikolai no matter how much he tried to be cold, he would always find himself being careful over Niko's feelings. Who was he kidding? It wasn't just about not hurting Niko out of pity. He was simple incapable of resisting Nikolai's charms. Hell, if Nikolai ever heard him say that it would be the end of Aleksander. He could picture the arrogant grin in the same lips he was kissing. He wanted to insult Nikolai but the craving was stronger.

***

Dinner wasn’t exactly the uncomfortable anxiety fest Aleksander thought it would be. Nikolai even managed to make Baghra laugh which scared both him and Ulla. Only Nikolai to come up with a miracle like that. Things felt so friendly he invited Ulla and Baghra to go see his boat.

“Do I look like a kid?”

“What? Can’t old people like boats?”

“Did you just call me old?” Baghra gave him a threatening look.

“Well, you’re not getting younger, are you? Besides, I wasn’t inviting you to stay there a night or anything. I don’t even have space for more guests. These days, it was getting exhausting with the four of us.”

“Four?”

“Yes. Us and two girls.” Nikolai saw the look on her face and held a hand in the air. Aleksander almost stabbed him with a fork already knowing he was going to say something stupid like ‘Relax! We weren’t partying with the girls! I’m actually trying to bone your son since yesterday.’

Aleksander breathed in. Stab him or not? Stab him or not?

“It’s not like that.” Nikolai spoke. Shut up, don’t say anything else. “It’s my partner Zoya.”

“And Alina. She was Mal’s friend that worked at that store.”

“And you brought her too?”

“She was in danger.” Nikolai shrugged. “And she had no where to go.”

“Well, what do you plan on doing with her?”

“I’m not sure. For now, she can stay with us. Besides I think she and Zoya are getting… _friendly_. So, I really don’t know. I hope I don’t interrupt anything when I get back tonight.”

“You’re not staying?”

The questions left a distinct confusion in the air. Ulla searched for a reaction on the men. Nikolai and Aleksander looked at each other, making sure they had heard the same thing.

Baghra leaned back on her chair with a glass of wine in her hand. “You didn’t invite your boyfriend to stay here after he gave you a roof for nearly a week?”

Nikolai smiled and blinked at Aleksander, looking for an excuse. Aleksander looked at her sister, begging her to say something. Ulla just filled her mouth with food and looked away.

“You can’t even date right.” Baghra shook her head.


	17. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think this is a good place to stop. Who knows if I add anything else in the future.  
> For now, thank you for reading!

“I have to say, it’s funny that your mother can call me your boyfriend before you do.”

Aleksander sighed and placed the blanket on top of the mattress. Nikolai liked to complain about Aleksander kicking him and sleeping on top of him, but he forgot his snoring, his drooling, and worst of it, him stealing the blankets all night.

“Why are you so fixated on that? I thought you a spiritual guy like you wouldn’t care about labels.”

Nikolai threw himself on the bed and looked at him.

“It’s not a matter of labels, babe. It’s a matter of commitment.”

 _Babe_. Aleksander wanted to cackle at his attitude towards the whole thing. Nikolai was so smart and confident about all things. But when the theme was Aleksander and him, he turned into the same kid Aleksander had left. Needy, sensitive, spoiled and too much in need of reassurance.

Aleksander threw him a pillow. “You’re afraid I’m going to cheat?”

“No. That would be your loss, asshole.” He paused for a moment. “Seriously, who would cheat on me? I’m a catch! I’m perfect!”

“Sure,” Aleksander crawled into the bed and laid next to him.

“I’m _the_ hottest guy I know,” Nikolai counted by his finger. “I’m a great singer, an amazing dancer,”

“Passable dancer.” He corrected. Nikolai kicked him in the ankle. “You don’t dance that well!”

“Fine! But I’m a great singer.”

“Yes. You are. Please do not start singing, I am tired.” Aleksander rubbed his eyes, hearing Nikolai’s soft laugh.

“I can play piano. I can sail.”

“You’re funny,”

“Funny?! I’m hilarious! How else do you explain how often I can make the Morozovs laugh?”

“That’s true. You are perfect.” Aleksander closed his eyes as soon as he said that. It slipped out.

Nikolai rolled over and hugged him. Aleksander could feel his breath on his neck.

“Was that a confession?”

Aleksander ran his hand across Nikolai’s hair. “I was just stating a fact.” He spoke against his forehead.

“Aleksander…” Nikolai called, so loving as only he did. “You’re going to make me fall in love with you.”

“I thought you already were.”

“The entitlement.” Nikolai whispered just before he was surprised by Aleksander’s arms around him.

It wasn’t like him to just hold Nikolai, but just the night before he had broken some walls between them. Nikolai faced him, making Aleksander’s lips curve into a sweet smile. Nikolai could swear something very real would happen in his chest when he smiled like that. It was dangerous, or at least it seemed that way because it was so rare for Sasha to let himself be warm and caring.

Aleksander rubbed their noses together. “All right. You’re my boyfriend.”

Nikolai grinned. He couldn’t help himself.

“Who said I want to be your boyfriend?”

“You’re so fucking childish.”

“Why do you like me then?”

Aleksander touched his face, rubbing his thumb on Nikolai’s cheek. It felt so nice, Nikolai only wished he would always touch him like that. Maybe he would, who knew? Things were different now.

“You’re the only person on the world that doesn’t make me feel awful.”

That hit Nikolai like a thunder. He had Aleksander’s arms around him, Aleksander’s chest pressing his own with his breathing, Aleksander’s nose caressing his. And if that wasn’t enough, Aleksander was talking. Actually, talking, speaking words that weren’t mean and didn’t hide his true feelings.

“Well… fuck, this got deep fast.”

“Too real?”

“No.” Nikolai poked his nose. “I was just expecting you to tell me you don’t like me. Or some stupid lie like that.”

“I’m too tired to reject you.”

“Do I have to keep you up all night for you to be tired of rejecting me during the day?”

“That’s likely.”

It really made him feel like a dog when Nikolai petted the back of his neck, and yet he didn’t complain. It also felt amazingly comforting. Maybe dogs were right on wanting to be pet so much. Nikolai thought of what Aleksander would say if he heard his thoughts and just blinked.

“I can think of a few things to keep you busy.” Nikolai poked his stomach.

“Please don’t.”

“I didn’t even say anything.”

***

When Nikolai was deep asleep Aleksander couldn’t hold himself back. Watching Niko’s peaceful expression as he slept reminded him of better times, times when they could talk all night and Aleksander didn’t have to really worry about the day after.

Now everything seemed more complicated. It brought Aleksander tears to his eyes just to think that tomorrow wouldn’t be so easy. One of these days Nikolai would leave for the sea and Aleksander would be left alone. It was safer for both of them, plus Nikolai had been waiting for this is whole life: A chance to be free of the Lantsovs and just be himself.

But they had just found each other. It was more than that: Aleksander had just opened up his heart. He wasn’t great at it, but damn it, he was trying. And yet things were fragile as ever. So much time apart only to find Nikolai again and for all that he knew, lose him all over again. Who knew? Nikolai could find someone else, someone better, in one of his adventures.

Just the thought of it made Aleksander want to squeeze Nikolai awake and kiss him until both of them couldn’t breathe. He still had the control to not make anything that stupid. He just didn’t know for how long. Aleksander could only hope that the next morning he wouldn’t be down in the kitchen making Nikolai breakfast and calling him pet names as a domesticated boyfriend.

Nikolai shivered awake and seemed almost bothered by seeing Aleksander looking at him in surprise.

“You okay?”

“Just had a nightmare.” He shook his head and rolled over.

Aleksander rubbed his arm. "Do you want to talk?"

"No. I want to cuddle and sleep."

That was his cue. He put his arms around Nikolai and pressed a kiss on his neck. _Control yourself, don’t be clingy_ , he thought while the smell of Nikolai’s hair made it impossible to accomplish this.

"Don't do that."

He felt tempted to kiss Nikolai more and more just because of how weak he had sounded. "Are you sure?"

Aleksander could see a smile growing on Nikolai’s lips. "Just... Save that thought for when I'm not struggling with a nightmare."

"What was the nightmare about?"

He took a long pause. Aleksander almost thought he wasn’t going to answer and even regretted asking.

"My father."

 _This again?_ Was it really impossible for Nikolai to let go of his heritage? Aleksander felt like a terrible person every time he caught himself being impatient at this particular topic. He didn't want to ignore Nikolai's pain, but he couldn't stop thinking about a way to make him forget about it. He couldn't understand why being a Lantsov meant so much to Nikolai. From his point of view, this was a victory in life, and since the money of his family was never something Nikolai was after, he really couldn’t begin to comprehend what bothered him so much about not being part of that awful family.

Aleksander found Nikolai’s hand and rubbed his thumb on Nikolai’s palm. He wasn’t sure if he should just let it go. Nikolai didn’t do well with keeping things to himself and bury his feelings. That would be Aleksander.

"What happened?"

At this point Nikolai’s eyes were opened and not so heavy. He felt tired but the comfort and warmth of Aleksander’s body behind him didn’t allowed him to be completely in a bad mood.

"I'm not sure. Something about being a nobody. _Unworthy_. You know, disgrace of the family. And then I realized, I'm not really part of that family anyway. Which only makes things worst."

"You know that just because you don’t have them that doesn't mean you don't have a family."

Nikolai reached for his necklace. He didn’t feel alone. But Aleksander’s voice in the dark almost made it seem like he was hallucinating. They had been apart for so long, it was strange to hear him and not think it was just a ghost from the past.

"Is this your attempt at being wholesome and sweet?"

"It's not working, is it?"

"You're doing amazing. Its just that, I don’t believe you."

Aleksander leaned back and turned Nikolai's face to him. No matter the time of the day it was, he always looked amazingly pretty. Like a charming golden prince, always ready to save the day with a wink. Though it felt like he needed to be saved this time.

"If you're willing to risk yourself for us to be together than you have to have some faith in me."

Nikolai blinked, relaxed by having Aleksander caressing his face.

"You and I are family. We will always be family. We will always have each other. Right?"

His fingers touched his necklace. He was afraid Aleksander would find a way to break more promises so much he didn’t even wanted to hear them in first place.

"You say that, but I know you. When things get dangerous, you will push me away instead of pull me in."

"You can't get mad at me for being protective. I protect you because I care."

He brushed his blond hair back. "What time is it?"

"Don't worry about that now."

Nikolai pushed himself up to sit on the bed. He hugged his legs and looked at Aleksander with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Somehow it was relieved when Aleksander grabbed his hands.

"You don't have to try to make me feel better."

"It's kinda my job."

"Your job is to kiss me and laugh at my jokes."

"Just because we're together I’m not free of my job as your best friend. And that includes all of this therapy bullshit."

"Sounds like a lot of work."

"I guess you're worth it."

Nikolai sighed and winced. "Am I? Aside from making you laugh and all. Am I worth the trouble?" it sounded more like a question to himself than to Aleksander.

Aleksander put his hands on the mattress and leaned forward and pressed a kiss on Nikolai soft round lips, then on his cheek and then on his neck. "You're a pain in the ass. You're noisy and you flirt as often as you breathe. You're too impulsive. But if you were anything less I wouldn't love you."

Nikolai intertwined their fingers. He liked doing that. It made him feel like Aleksander and him weren't so different, like they were matching. Almost as if they were built for each other.

"I admire you, Sasha. In just a matter of days you went from someone who couldn't admit his feelings to willingly declare your love for me." he nodded. "And I admire myself too."

"There it is,"

"…For inspiring you into blooming."

“Can I assume your existential crisis is over?”

Nikolai smiled. “You can go back to sleep.”

“I’m not sleeping if you’re going through something. Besides, I wasn’t sleeping before you woke up.”

“Why not?” Nikolai tilted his head. “Were you watching me sleep? You creep.”

“If you knew half of what goes on in my mind.” Aleksander laid back down.

“Then what?”

“You wouldn’t be so keen on dating me.”

“All right, edge lord. Calm down.” Nikolai sighed laying with him. “If the constant bad mood, the denial and the bullshit I have to put up when I’m around you didn’t make me quit, then don’t worry about weird kinks or whatever you have going on when I’m asleep.” Nikolai yawned.

“It’s not kink related.”

Nikolai turned his neck to look at Aleksander, waiting for a justification. Of course he was, because with Nikolai talking was better than sleeping.

“I was imagining how things are going to be with us being far away from each other. And what would happen if you found someone else,”

“Oh, here we go.” Niko smiled. “A wild jealous Aleksander Morozov makes an appearance.”

“I just think that it wouldn’t be impossible if you found someone better for you.”

“I do.”

“But”

“Who would be «better» for me?”

“I don’t fucking know.” Aleksander closed his eyes. “Some goofy guy that wants to laugh at everything you say and is horny all the time.”

“That is my ideal type.” Nikolai agreed. “Luckily that’s you.”

“I’m not goofy.”

“But you are. Especially when you want to act all gangster on me. I get it, Morozov. You’re a bad guy.” Nikolai touched his cheek and pecked his neck. “ _It’s so hard to take you serious sometimes_.”

“I could beat the shit out of you.”

Nikolai’s arms were already around Aleksander’s neck. “Sure, babe.”

“And I’m not horny all the time.”

“Don’t make me laugh out loud, Baghra and Ulla are asleep.”

“I just don’t think you’re that hot,”

“Take that back. Right fucking now. Or I am leaving you right now.”

“Really? That’s what makes you want to break up? Not the danger of getting kidnapped or shot.”

“I have standards, Morozov.”


End file.
